#### The Australian Museum of Natural History #######
Mr Laurie Appleton,
Dear Mr Appleton,
We thank you for forwarding to us the objects labeled, "Fresh
dinosaur bones". We read with great interest your long treatise
entitled "Dinosaurs only extinct since last week".
We agree with some of your conclusions, but take issue with others.
For instance, we accept your dating method. Since the object was
shrink-wrapped in a tamper-proof plastic package bearing the trade
mark of a registered abattoir, we regard the documentation attached
as reliable, including the statement, "Best before 12.12.98"
However, we were disturbed that the rest of this label appears to
have been deliberately `snipped'. Fortunately, we were able, using
identification that appears as, "Batch Number Q56465" to obtain a
certified copy of the said document from the authors, The Queensland
and Northern Territory Wholesale Meat Company, and discover that the
part that had been tampered with contained the words, "Shoulder of
Lamb."
Naturally, we ascribe the same reliability to this description as we
do to the part showing the date that was still intact on the
specimen you sent us. The authors have indicated that they are
prepared to swear an affidavit that they did package the specimen in
the shrink-wrap plastic, and that it is part of the remains of a
known species of sheep. They assure us they have never had in their
possession any dinosaur bones, flesh, or tissue of any description.
They deny absolutely that they killed the last dinosuar and cut it
up for sale to the retail supermarket industry.
Examination of the remains by biologists here, by consulting
veterinarians, and by certified State and Federal meat inspectors
has confirmed that they are in fact from a sheep.
We understand your unquenchable thirst for scientific advance, as we
indicated in previous letters when you sent us a jar of material
which you believed was Manna as described in the Book of Genesis The
Old Testament. We accept that mistaking Kraft peanut butter for
manna was a natural mistake that anyone could make. The experiment
you asked us to conduct is still running, and no, the peanut butter
has not metamorphosed into crude oil. Also, we are still reluctant
to accede to your request that we recommend the expunging from
textbooks assertions that hydrocarbons and carbohydrates are not the
same thing.
We cannot accept your assertion that anyone who disagrees with you
is "an evolution brainwashee", and find your references to Stalin
and Hitler as being of the same ilk as us puzzling. We have no
expertise in European political history, so we have forwarded it to
the University of New South Wales History Department for their
comment. We would have expected a reply from them by now, but they
report that they in turn are still awaiting comment from The
Princess Mary Psychiatric Hospital, Brisbane, which is where they
sent your letter to.
We would welcome further submissions of this nature, but next time
could you please include 10Kg of beef sausages? It is, after all,
barbie season, ya stupid banana bender bastard.
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Brisbane, QLD
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