"How To Be A Scientologist"
Anton Hein <ahein.news@xs4all.nl>
Thu, 13 Jul 2000 11:06:42 +0200
:===Begin Quote===
How To Be A Scientologist
Daily Radar, June 29, 2000
http://www.dailyradar.com/columns/directhit_column_229.html
Did you know that the author of the sci-fi book Battlefield Earth also started
his very own religion? It's called "Scientology," and it's really neat! Though
it doesn't make much sense in the present day, Scientology is a religion light
years ahead of its time, whose popularity will blossom when jetpacks are in
vogue. Until then, let's give a glimpse into the world of tomorrow and teach you
how to become a Scientologist!
THINGS NEEDED:
STEP ONE: BECOME A CELEBRITY
So you want to become a Scientologist. Did you know that many celebrities are
Scientologists? Why, there's John Travolta and his lovely wife Kelly. Tom Cruise
and his lovely wife Nicole. And the woman who is the voice of Bart Simpson. The
point: Scientologists love celebrities. Why? Because celebrities have lots and
lots of money and are very insecure people who can be easily taken in by a
pseudo-cult/religion invented by the author of Battlefield Earth. If you become
a celebrity, Scientologists will gladly welcome you with open Scientology arms.
Especially if you are a celebrity with a big, fat wallet.
STEP TWO: TAKE A PERSONALITY TEST
One of the first steps in becoming a Scientologist is taking a 200 question
personality test. The purpose of this is to determine just how much Scientology
is needed in your life, and how much money you should be spending on Scientology
classes and books you should buy (did you remember to bring lots of cash?).
Here are a few examples of the scathing questions:
Q: Would you use corporal punishment on a child age 10, if it refused to obey you?
Well, how did you do? Not too good. Then we think it's time for more Scientology
in your life! (You have money, right?!)
STEP TWO: THE E-METER
Scientologist believe that people evolved from volcanoes. And that's really
neat! After taking your personality test, the next step in becoming a
Scientologist is being hooked up to the e-meter. The e-meter is a religious
artifact devised by L. Ron Hubbard, only to be operated by a Scientology
Minister, except we saw one earlier in The Scientology Holiday Catalog for
$5,400. Viva la e-meter!
While you hold two electrodes, the Scientology Minister will ask you things
like, "Think of a traumatic experience." For fun think of puppies and rainbows
and see what kind of bullsh*t they tell you. Then they will ask you, "Think of a
pleasant experience." Once again, for fun, think of a nuclear holocaust. Your
results will determine how many Scientology books and classes you'll need to
purchase/attend (money should be with you at all times!).
STEP THREE: VISIT THE L. RON HUBBARD MUSEUM
A good introduction for a new Scientologist is a visit to the L. Ron Hubbard
museum on Hollywood Boulevard. But be sure to bring money, because it's not
free. You'll learn many interesting things about your newly appointed religious
leader. Such things as:
FACT: L. Ron Hubbard was once America's youngest Eagle Scout!
You'll also see all the amazing science fiction books L. Ron Hubbard wrote when
he wasn't busy creating his very own religion.
STEP FOUR: BUYING BOOKS AND TAKING CLASSES
Once you're indoctrinated into Scientology, let the fun, classes and book buying
begin. Take pride that your new religion was invented by a very smart,
futuristic man who made sure that the ultimate wisdom can only be achieved by
spending lots and lots of money!
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOW A SCIENTOLGIST!
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Consumer Alert: Scientology
Anton
Return to The Skeptic Tank's main Index page.
-A jumpsuit or clothes of the future
-A copy of Dianetics
-Extreme Insecurity
-Celebrity status
-Lots of money
-More money
-A desire to buy many books
-And take classes
Q: Do people enjoy your company?
Q: Do you often feel depressed?
Q: Are you in favor of color bar and class distinction?
Q: Are you a slow eater?
FACT: L. Ron Hubbard sailed the Far East at age 16!
FACT: L. Ron Hubbard once scaled an erupting volcano!
FACT: L. Ron Hubbard wrote Hollywood screenplays for gangster and western
serials!
http://www.apologeticsindex.org/s04.html
--
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