"How To Be A Scientologist" Anton Hein <ahein.news@xs4all.nl> Thu, 13 Jul 2000 11:06:42 +0200

:===Begin Quote===

How To Be A Scientologist

Daily Radar, June 29, 2000

http://www.dailyradar.com/columns/directhit_column_229.html

Did you know that the author of the sci-fi book Battlefield Earth also started his very own religion? It's called "Scientology," and it's really neat! Though it doesn't make much sense in the present day, Scientology is a religion light years ahead of its time, whose popularity will blossom when jetpacks are in vogue. Until then, let's give a glimpse into the world of tomorrow and teach you how to become a Scientologist!

THINGS NEEDED:
-A jumpsuit or clothes of the future
-A copy of Dianetics
-Extreme Insecurity
-Celebrity status
-Lots of money
-More money
-A desire to buy many books
-And take classes

STEP ONE: BECOME A CELEBRITY

So you want to become a Scientologist. Did you know that many celebrities are Scientologists? Why, there's John Travolta and his lovely wife Kelly. Tom Cruise and his lovely wife Nicole. And the woman who is the voice of Bart Simpson. The point: Scientologists love celebrities. Why? Because celebrities have lots and lots of money and are very insecure people who can be easily taken in by a pseudo-cult/religion invented by the author of Battlefield Earth. If you become a celebrity, Scientologists will gladly welcome you with open Scientology arms. Especially if you are a celebrity with a big, fat wallet.

STEP TWO: TAKE A PERSONALITY TEST

One of the first steps in becoming a Scientologist is taking a 200 question personality test. The purpose of this is to determine just how much Scientology is needed in your life, and how much money you should be spending on Scientology classes and books you should buy (did you remember to bring lots of cash?).

Here are a few examples of the scathing questions:

Q: Would you use corporal punishment on a child age 10, if it refused to obey you?
Q: Do people enjoy your company?
Q: Do you often feel depressed?
Q: Are you in favor of color bar and class distinction?
Q: Are you a slow eater?

Well, how did you do? Not too good. Then we think it's time for more Scientology in your life! (You have money, right?!)

STEP TWO: THE E-METER

Scientologist believe that people evolved from volcanoes. And that's really neat! After taking your personality test, the next step in becoming a Scientologist is being hooked up to the e-meter. The e-meter is a religious artifact devised by L. Ron Hubbard, only to be operated by a Scientology Minister, except we saw one earlier in The Scientology Holiday Catalog for $5,400. Viva la e-meter!

While you hold two electrodes, the Scientology Minister will ask you things like, "Think of a traumatic experience." For fun think of puppies and rainbows and see what kind of bullsh*t they tell you. Then they will ask you, "Think of a pleasant experience." Once again, for fun, think of a nuclear holocaust. Your results will determine how many Scientology books and classes you'll need to purchase/attend (money should be with you at all times!).

STEP THREE: VISIT THE L. RON HUBBARD MUSEUM

A good introduction for a new Scientologist is a visit to the L. Ron Hubbard museum on Hollywood Boulevard. But be sure to bring money, because it's not free. You'll learn many interesting things about your newly appointed religious leader. Such things as:

FACT: L. Ron Hubbard was once America's youngest Eagle Scout!
FACT: L. Ron Hubbard sailed the Far East at age 16!
FACT: L. Ron Hubbard once scaled an erupting volcano!
FACT: L. Ron Hubbard wrote Hollywood screenplays for gangster and western serials!

You'll also see all the amazing science fiction books L. Ron Hubbard wrote when he wasn't busy creating his very own religion.

STEP FOUR: BUYING BOOKS AND TAKING CLASSES

Once you're indoctrinated into Scientology, let the fun, classes and book buying begin. Take pride that your new religion was invented by a very smart, futuristic man who made sure that the ultimate wisdom can only be achieved by spending lots and lots of money!

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOW A SCIENTOLGIST! :===End Quote===

Consumer Alert: Scientology
http://www.apologeticsindex.org/s04.html

Anton
--
Apologetics Index: http://www.apologeticsindex.org/
Apologetics and Countercult Information about Cults, Sects,
and Alternative Religious Movements - for Research and Ministry.