Clambytes 2000 <Long!>
Wed, 12 Apr 2000 01:17:50 -0600
Michael Reuss <mreuss@mciworld.com>
International Association of Afghanistani Party Dance Instructors

It's time to once again, in all good fun, fire up the metaphorical coals, skewer the raw meat, the seafood, and the vegetables alike, time to barbecue some virtual kabobs, in a tradition know as Clambytes, the annual comedic e-zine strictly devoted to, for and about the newsgroup alt.religion.scientology.

If this is your first experience with Clambytes, you wouldn't realize that this part is the disclaimer. It is. Grant me a little disclaimingness and get ready for the best disclaiming you ever heard.

I disclaim that this is a very lengthy message. Some people don't like that kind of thing. If you're one of them, grab your little mouse with your hand and USE it. Then, after you're finished with that, click on the "next message" button.

I disclaim that there will be a lot of inside humor. If you don't read a.r.s often, or are a newbie, you won't get some of the gags. That's not my fault. It's not your fault, hell it's not anyone's fault, really. It's just the way it is. If that depresses you, just pop a few prozacs until you start feeling better.

I disclaim that what follows won't be everyone's cup of tea. I'm an irreverent sombaitch, and I use off-color language.

I disclaim that everything here has an implied smiley beside it. ;-) It would be really annoying if I put smileys in every paragraph.

I disclaim that I have some problems with the cult of Scientology. And why wouldn't I? They say I'm a criminal suppressive, an anti-religious bigot! They threatened to sue me, and tried to get me fired from my job! Those fuskers really piss me off, sometimes. So I want to make sure these fuskers either stop doing these kinds of thing, or else I am prepared to joke them right out of business! HA! So now you know my bias when it comes to the Co$. If you don't like my biases, you just don't have to read this. No smiley here.

I also disclaim that all events and personages listed herein are granted fictitiousness, except for those which are coincidentally true. Any resemblancenesses to persons, Thetans, or sexual encounters with porcine barnyard animals, living or dead, is coincidental, except for when wgert did it two, uh, no, twenty two times. (A tip-o-the aluminum foil beany to Cheech and Chong).

So, now we find ourselves rapidly approaching the end of the disclaimer, and good thing, too, because I am about disclaimed out. As I read over the disclaimer, I would say I'm satisfied, I think I've covered just about everything. Later on, I don't want any of you bellyaching fuskers whining "I was never properly disclaimed."

Oookay, fine. Then, without further ado:

Ladies and Gentleman,
sock puppets, cretins,
Angels and Devils,
Raw Meat and Owe Thetans,

Astrologers, Tee Emmers,
skeptics and psychs,
blacks, whites, latinos,
gay men and gay dykes,

PEE EYES and Engrams
gather round by the dozens
come commies and fascists
and please bring your cousins

You Africans, Muslims,
Palestinians, Jews.
Christians and Athiests
I'm talking to youse

Anorexics, bulimics,
degraders and jokesters
Department 20 agents
and crop circle hoaxsters

Republicans, Democrats,
and all fine Canadians,
Scots-Brits-Francs-Nazis,
and Viet Namadians,

Those who munch boogers and
Emm Eff See "criminals"
and actors in movies
that contain sly subliminals

Yo bloods and yo Crips
gather round, get a mention
yo mamas, Godfathas
I hope God pays attention

Now Russkis, Bulgravians
the north and south Irish
and all their li'l leprechauns
please attend, that is my wish

Don't need a new religion
or to change your belief
just read what I write here
for cheap comic relief

Please believe when I tell you
there'll be no gags finer
for them that LRH called
the little chinks from China

It's a big win to have fun
at Poodleboy's expense
for AY ARE ESS lurkers
who straddle the fence

So give your attention,
yes give me your ear
cause the event of the season
is finally here

Grab a sandwich, grab a brewski
throw wgert some sows, and
then gather round the computer
for Clambytes 2000.

***********************************************************************
Clambytes 2000.
***********************************************************************

[cue music - Trapped in a Prison of Love, Robben Ford]

[fade music]

===== [cue theme music from Wallace and Gromit]

The BBC presents:

Michael Wallace and Gromit
(a screenplay)

MW: What a fine day, Gromit. Shall we go for walkies? We can pick up some delicious cheese! Then, we can go and egg the psychiatrists office!

Gromit: [reads the paper in silence, peeks over the top of the paper and gives a disgusted look, goes back to reading the paper]

MW: Well, then Gromit, how about testing out our new suppression gun, the one that instead of shooting jam at toast, shoots my new innuendo paste at our enemies?

Gromit: [still reading the paper in silence, this time doesn't even bother to look up, but just shakes his head]

MW: I know, Gromit. Let's empty out all the thoughts out of our heads, and go round to Poole St. and route some pedestrians onto the bridge. Wouldn't that be grand?

Gromit: [slowly, dejectedly ascends the stairs up to his room, packs his bags and goes to live with the penguin]

===== Scientologist Enzo Piccone uses the abbreviation "Sci't" to stand for "Scientologist." To honor Enzo, and all Scientologists everywhere, Clambytes 2000 introduces Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Jokes!

Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #1

BTW, this was the first ever Enzo joke (originally made in another posting):

Q: What do you call an idiot Scientologist?
A: Sci'ttwit

Q: What do you call a nervous Scientologist?
A: Sci'ttish

Clambytes 2000 will have occasional Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interludes scattered throughout. We hope you enjoy them -ed.

=====

What if all those great old song lyrics were written by Scientology? You might get something like this.

"I'm going to sit right down and write myself a letter... of disconnection"

=====
Who you calling a fool, fool?

A few hundred years ago, the calendars in Britian were out of whack with the solar year, because up until that time, they did not contain any leap day corrections, although it was well estabished by that time that the solar year was approximately 365.25 days long, meaning that about every four years, any calander that did not have leap days would fall another day further behind actual seasons, as determined by solstaces and equinoxes.

On the European continent, the calendars had been wrong too, but they were corrected a few hundred years earlier. Based on work of the mathmaticians and astromers of Pope Gregor, the modern calendar was finalized. The excellent work and calculations are still used today, and it was for those scientist's Popely benefactor that the modern "Gregorian" calendar was named.

To actally correct the calendar lag, the Pope mandated that several weeks would simply be lopped out of the calendar. In (I think) the 1400s in October, on consecutive days, the calendar date changed from Sept. 30th to Oct 22nd (or something like that). And all just because the Pope said so! (don't recall the exact number of days, but I know almost a whole month was skipped to make up for centuries worth of missed leap days).

Also at that time, religious and nationalistic pride, and the antagonism between the Roman Catholic Church and the British monarchy (which later formed an apostate schism off Catholicism called the Anglican church) kept the British from adopting the change to the calendar. British reasoning was that if the Pope was mandating this change, by God, no good Britian could follow it in good conscience.

But finally (I think in the 1600s), the British figured out, hey, we're being really stupid. They figured out that they didn't have to follow the Pope on everything, but could still acknowledge that his idea to correct the calendar was a pretty good one.

So now the British too, skipped over all the the lost leap days in their calendar, jumping ahead one year from March 30th to April the 25th (or something like that) on the very next day.

But there was great political resistence. Many people didn't want to change. These resisters continued to insist that it was April 1st, even though, by convention, the rest of Britian and Europe were agreed that it was April 25th. The new resisters were ridiculed as "April Fools." That's why we know April 1st as "April Fools" day.

The moral of this long-winded tome is that sometimes, when you buck a trend that is admittedly arbitrary, but nevertheless, sensible, and allows everyone to function better and get along better, if you instead insist upon maintaining a foolish, parochial, religious pride, you might righteously be called a fool. You could even have a day named after your foolishness.

Now, what shall we call L. Ron Hubbard's birthday?

=====

More wacky Scientology Song Lyrics:

Go go, go Johnny go, go Johnny go, go, go Johnny B. Goode...boy Tyler

===== Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #2

Q: Where does a Scientologist apply deodorant?
A: Sci'tpits

Q: Why did Hooter's restaurant hire a Scientologist?
A: Sci'ttits

=====
Great Moments in Musical Theatre

My Fair Lady:
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the ratbastard...

The Sound of Music:
The hills are alive, with the sound of ratbastards...

The Music Man:
One Grecian Ratbastard. Two Grecian Ratbastards...

Oklahoma:
OOOOOOOOOklahoma where the wing comes sweeping down the ratbastard...

Guys and Dolls:
I know how you've treated other men that you have been with, but luck be a ratbastard tonight...

West Side Story:
I want to live in America, everything free in America! For a small ratbastard in America!

=====
Wacky Scientology Song lyrics

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer on Mark Bunker
I'd beat right on his camera, to prove that I'm right
I'd hammer intimidation, I'd hammer out a warning
I'd hammer on the truth, on justice, my brothers and my sisters
All over this laaaaand!

=====
A Dog's Life (a simple story)

Oh boy, oh boy, here come some people, I just love people. They give treats!
<pant> <pant> <pant> I wonder if these people have some treats for me? <pant><pant><pant><pant>
I'll just let them know I want those treats. <BARK> <BARK> <BARK> <BARK>
Here they come, they're coming closer, I think my plan is working <BARK> <BARK> <BARK>
I'll just tell them a few more times how much I want treats <BARK> <BARK> <BARK> <BARK> <BARK> <BARK>
YES, I WAS RIGHT! I DO GET A TREAT! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you <chew> <chew> <chew> <chew> <munch> <gulp>
I wonder it they'll give me more treats? I'll just tell them <BARK> <BARK> <BARK> <BARK>
This human giving me treats seems nice <BARK> <BARK> <BARK>
YES! MORE TREATS! I DO get more treats! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
<chew> <chew> <chew> <munch> <gulp> Oh this one with the treats is picking me up, I'll bet he wants to give me another treat
<pant> <pant> <pant>
I know, I'll kiss him on the face, that always works with my master
<SLURP> <LICK!>
Hey, where are you taking me. I'm not allowed in the pool, my master gets mad when I'm around here
<pant> <pant>
Hey, don't take me in the water, I want a treat!
<pant> <pant>
What are you doing, Hey, I can't breathe
<glub><glub>
Master, help, where are you, I can't breathe, I don't like this man...

<glub><glub><glub><glub>
Master...

The end
(I said it was a simple story, I never said it was a happy story)

===== Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #3

Q: What do you call a Scientologist's feces?
A: Sca't

Q: What do you call an OSA sock puppet?
A: Sci'thead (or) Sca'thead

=====
Deep thoughts:

What's true, is what's brewed for you.

===== Clambytes Editorial:

Lisa Marie Presley has given the Co$ credit for saving her life "SEVERAL TIMES!"

Several times, isn't that curious?

Why does the Co$ have to keep saving her life? Isn't she capable of learning from her past mistakes? Isn't Scientology helping her to become more able?

Scientology certainly claims to help people become more able. Is this a lie? Or is Lisa Marie Presley an unfortunate exception to the rule?

Either way, the fact that one needs one's life saved multiple times is an indicator that, well, something was dreadfully wrong somewhere...

Ed.

=====
Clambytes Technology Review:

I think no one disputes that the King (Elvis Presley), if he were really dead (a subject still under much scientific debate), would be spinning in his grave right now, if he knew what an ignorant, emotional, cultified wreck his daughter had become (Elvis' intense dislike of Scientology was/is well known).

So, therefore, if we hooked up generators to Elvis' dead, but cognizant, heartbroken, spinning buried body, we'd generate free electricity! We finally have the perpetual motion machine for which the world has so long clamored!

Keep up your good work in the fields of science and technology, Lisa Marie.

=====

Terl must have been Biggus Dickus in a previous life.

=====

Proposed Purification Rundown Advertisement:

Danny Masterson, Scientologist:

I used to be a total DORK! Even my brother said so. My dork-dom was trapped deep inside my body by radiation. But not anymore. I did the Scientology Brand [tm] Purification Rundown at the Hollywood Celebrity Center, and the "Dork" just came pouring out, along with all that nasty radiation. Now the whole world can clearly see that I'm NOT a dork!

(for entertainment purposes only, must be 18, $1200.00/min)

===== Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #4

Q: What do you call a one act play about Scientology?
A: Sci'tskit

Q: What happens on the face of a Scientologist teenager?
A: Sci'tzits

=====

If human beings are not animals made out of meat, fleash and bone, why do we all get old and die?

=====

Scenes we'd like to have seen in person: Dennis Erlich buying a house, paying with cash given to him by the Co$.

Scenes we'd like to see even more: Dennis and his daughter, together, happy, making up for lost time, undoing years of damage done to their relationship by cultic propaganda and lies.

===== Bunker Mentality - an actual transcript of a recent meeting of high level Scientology leaders

Legend: DM=(*); MR=Mike Rinder; KM=Kendrick Moxon; HK=Helena Kobrin EE=Eugene Engram (er, I mean Ingram)

DM: Ok, have we laid in all the supplies?
MR: Check!
DM: Comm links established?
KM: Check!
DM: Everyone inside?
HK: Check! Except for Heber, he's locked in basement padded cell back at FOLO.
DM: Poor ratbastard. Well, we did what we could for him. No use crying over spilled milk.
MR: I'm starting to think the babywatch doesn't work very well.
DM: Shut up, Mike or I'll have Gene do some "things" to you.
MR: Uh, sorry, boss. Of course the IR works perfectly. Everyone knows that.
DM: Okay, I think we're ready. Let's button this place up, people
EE: Check!
EE: Blast doors closing
EE: Blast doors closed, no one's going in or out for a long time.
HK: Air scrubbers online and functioning.
DM: That's it then. We're nuke proof, critic proof, refund proof, a.r.s proof.
MR: This is the most secure underground silo on the whold goddammed planet! Nothing can touch us, here.
DM: Up periscope (periscope is really a free Earthlink web cam (3 mo. minimum contract required)
HK: Up periscope, check!
DM: [looking into periscope, turns from side to side, stops] Oh shit!
All (in unison): What is it!
DM: We could never have thought of this.
All: What is it? What's OUT THERE?
DM: How in the hell are we ever going to get out of this?
All: What IS OUT THERE?
DM: Oh God, what have we done?
ALL: TELL US, MASTER!
EE: [shoves DM away from the periscope and looks for himself] OH SHIT! It's even worse than I imagined.
All: WHAT IS IT?
EE: [with calm resignation] It's our worst nightmare.
KM: Oh SHIT, you mean the 5th Invader Fleet is landing out there?
EE: It's Way worse than that. Mark Bunker and his videocam are out there with the Zizic's. They're holding up a sign demanding a full refund.
MR: Oh SHIT! Refunds. We were ready for everything we could think of. But how could we have ever imagined refunds?
HK: Well, that's it then. We're never getting out of here alive. We're going to die in here! I'll never see my kids again.
KM: Fuck your stupid kids, Helena, I just bought a brand new Mercedes! I'll never get to slide in behind the wheel of that baby and...
MR: Fuck your stupid car, Ken. This is a time we all need to reassess what's really important.
HK: What do you mean? Aren't my kids important? I thought you told me last week that they were im....
EE: Shut up, Helena.
HK: Uh, yes sir, Mr. Engram.
EE: It's INGRAM you ignorant bitch! INGRAM!
HK: Sorry, Mr. Ingram sir. It's just that I pulled a.r.s research duty, and you know how they always call you Engram, like they're comparing you to a bad memory or someth...
EE: Shut the fuck up RIGHT NOW or so help me I'll kick you into next week...
DM: Gene, please! There's time for that later. Right now, I need some silence so I can think. We've got to figure a way out of this trap.
MR: It's no use. But you know, in some ways, this is almost a relief. Now we don't have to wonder where and when the next shoe will drop.
KM: We shouldn't have messed with Mark Bunker. I think it is HE, not Minton, who must be the the real Xenu. All disgustingly cuddly and friendly to everyone. I see it so clearly now, he was really just controlling Minton from the shadows.
DM: Yes, it's obvious. Xenu, the cherubic, friendly nice guy! It's so diabolical!
MR: Bunker is definitely Xenu. I've felt it all along.
EE: Well, we have food for a two years, but the egg-salad is going to go bad if we don't eat it. Who wants to split an egg-salad sandwich with me?
DM: I'm not hungry...
HK: I'll take half...

===== Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #5

Q: How does a Scientologist get a bad taste out of his mouth?
A: Spi't

Q: What do you call a mentally ill Scientologist?
A: Sci'tzy

=====
ARSCC folk song:

Where have all the sporgers gone, long time passing
Where have all the sporgers gone, long time ago
Where have all the sporgers gone, gone to the RPF every one
When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn

=====

Recently it was suggested that handwritten OT III documents purporting to be from LRH, are forgeries.

They are quite genuine, I assure you. The reason I know this, is because I read the OTIII level back in 1995. I promptly got pneumonia and died.

(I got better)

=====

A guy walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender looks back at the guy, waits for a few seconds, waits for a few more seconds, waits a little bit more. Finally the bartender starts to get impatient. He nods to the guy and says, "well?"

The guy says "Scarff."

The bartender says "Gazundheit"

[ba-dump-bump!]

=====
NEWS BULLETIN! CONGRESSMAN'S KILLER UNDERGOING PSYCH TREATMENT!

It was reported today by anonymous sources, that the killer of Congressman Sonny Bono, is currently undergoing treatment for post traumatic stress syndrome.

The 32m lodgepole pine killed Congressman Bono in 1997 after Bono strayed too close to the tree while skiing. The case was controversial, because it was the first time a tree had ever used the "make my day" defense in the State of Nevada. During the trial, the tree testified to being "scared to death" at Bono's approach. The jury concurred, and seemed moved by some videos introduced at trial that depicted lumberjacks clearcutting in a nearby valley.

Also at trial, Sheriff Harold Haverhold testified that "The tree clearly acted in self-defense. The Congressman was speeding directly at the tree, and the tree was in fear for it's life." When asked for a comment about the tree's latest troubles, and the counseling sessions, Badgerman simply said, "the Tree has done nothing to be ashamed of."

Even after several years, the tree was reported by our source to be experiencing feelings of despondancy and guilt associated with Bono's death, reportedly feeling depression and having suicidal thoughts.

Our staff psychologists tells us "we see this in many cases where justifiable killings occured by someone (or something) who is not inured to violence, whether it be cops who have to shoot someone in the line of duty, or a soldier, or a tree. There's no difference."

Tree doctors were reluctant to speak on the record about the case, citing the doctor-tree confidentiality priviledge. But one unnamed MD hinted that ECTT (Electro- Convulsive- Tree- Therapy) might be possible as a treatment measure.

===== Clambytes Advertising Space Is Available!

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contact advertising@clambytes.com

===== Wacky Scientology Song Lyrics:

"Give me ticket on an aero-plane, ain't time to take a fast train, lonely days are on, now I'm a going home, my church just declared me SP."

===== Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #6

Q: What is a Scientologist's favorite meal?
A: Boogers! (okay, so it's not an Enzo joke. Sue me!)

=====

Michael Reuss
Honorary Kid