By: Norbert Sykes
Re: Pantheacon Stuff

     I just got back from San Jose, California's, 2nd annual Pantheacon,
repository for the pagan, the weird, the failed trekkies, the outcasts,
and the decidedly religiously odd.  It was fun, even just as a spectator
sport.  I brought back something you might find amusing, in a
pagan-religious sense, from a wonderful little magazine that was
anonymously put together and distributed (because it rocks the
acceptable self-image of paganism?) called The Magical Flame.  It has
no credits, no contact info, and no copyright.  Enjoy!

                    A FIELD GUIDE TO NEOPAGANDOM

     Is this the first time you've seen this many pagans together?
Well, you're in for a deflowering, young earth-worshiper, and you've
come to the right place.  However, you should realize that there are
many, many types of pagans.  We old farts just had to keep making
the rounds until we either found a group that wouldn't kick us out
or founded our own clique.  But now, progress has brought us many
different flavors to choose from.

 1.  BRIGHT EYED NOVICE.

     You just read this cool book about a religion where there's
 _goddesses_ and gods, and they meet outside, in nature, instead of
 in some scary old building, and you want to know where to sign up.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a
 moment about which is widdershins and which is deosil.  Has a shiny
 new athame (rhymes with "A-frame").

 2.  I REMEMBER WOODSTOCK.

     Did I ever tell you about the time I dropped with Kerry Wendell
 Thornley?  Or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson.  I was pretty
 loaded.  Anyway, it was somebody with three names.  Or was it three
 people who had one name?

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently,
 knows dish about people you've read about.

 3.  TREEHUGGING NATURE SPIRIT.

     Prize possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes.
 Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning
 the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state.  Apt to remove clothes
 and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice.  Can discuss compost
 in detail.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no
 eco-exploitative garments, no animal tested cosmetics, no cigarette
 smoke, no drugs, no TV, no car, no corporations, yet very tolerant.

 4.  ANAL-RETENTIVE CEREMONIAL.

     Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places.  Is
 trying to learn how to speak Greek, Latin, and Hebrew, all at once.
 Does "workings" instead of "rituals."  Has a web site that all in
 Enochian.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book.  Dresses
 according to planetary coordinates, or according to what Mom finds
 on sale at Wal-Mart.

 5.  WOMYNCENTRIC GYNOCRAT.

     A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three
 months purifying it.  She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank
 you.  No boys allowed in her full moon club.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes, just the right size for amputating
 a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her
 body parts.  When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops
 talking.

 6.  IS THIS WHERE THE BIG, SMART WOMEN HANG OUT?

     Oh, they're so nice.  All that warm, round, sex positive flesh
 . . . and you can actually carry on a conversation with them
 between orgasms . . . pant, drool.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute.  Horny.  Will recite love poetry to you
 under the full moon.  Likes to do it outdoors.  Often destitute.
 All too few of them.

 7.  HEY BOSS, I'D LIKE TO TAKE FEBRUARY SECOND AS A PERSONAL DAY.

     Has an entire chapter in their Book of Shadows concerned with
 spells for purifying the work place.  Doesn't mind working on
 Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved.  Quit being
 overtly pagan at work since getting canned by that closet born
 again, yet still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at
 the drop of a hat.  Constantly glances around the room anxiously
 looking for co-workers and their spies.  Non-distinctive hair, no
 conspicuous tattoos.

 8.  HI DIDDLY DEE, IT'S A PAGAN CELEBRITY.

     At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a
 special key for elevator access.  Lurks around hallway corners
 eavesdropping in order to see if name is being mentioned.
 Arrives in helicopter especially for ritual.  Never seen
 unaccompanied by beefy Amazonian bodyguards.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Always has plenty of books to autograph
 and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from
 cover price.  When you ask them how it's going, they hand you a
 press release.  Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already
 know.

 9.  CHILDE OV KAOS.

     Can name seventeen different industrial bands without pausing
 to think.  Knows what a Prince Albert is.  Sleeps in black leather
 jammies.  Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh or boldly
 displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of
 a corporate logo and an arcane sigil.  If you don't know what it
 is, they'll think you're a dweeb.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Easy to picture as a bike messenger or
 alternative musician, difficult to visualize as a schoolteacher or
 research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV anchor or bank
 president.  Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear
 the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up.

10.  SCARY DEVIL WORSHIPER.

     Won't go skyclad.  Rarely smiles, except for in a smug, knowing
 way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquer.
 Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and The Bell Curve.  Fascinated with
 Nazis.  Probably wouldn't hurt a fly; yet they want you to think
 they are capable of vast destruction.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Lots of black and red.  Men like goatees,
 women favor eye liner.  If you see several of them getting tanked in
 the hotel bar, it would be wise to stay far away.

11.  CROWLEY-IN-A-PAST-LIFE.

     Every magickal gathering has at least one
 Crowley-in-a-past-life, along with several variants along the lines
 of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan Le Fay.  Many of them were
 abducted by aliens recently, or have had disturbing dreams rich
 with symbolism which they will tell you, in great detail.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Look for the intense gleam in eyes, the
 backpack rattling with various psychiatric medicines, the garments
 that were clearly designed and tailored in outer space.

12.  RAVIN' PAGAN.

     Young and psychedelic.  Refuses to do boring Eurocentric
 rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with many interesting
 local plants.  Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times, fast.  Never goes
 anywhere without a ritual drum.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Colors that hurt your eyes unless you've
 taken ecstasy.  Bloodshot eyes, peaceful smile, can deliver long
 quotes from Terrance McKenna.

13.  FAIRIE QUEEN.

     Is he a he?  Is she a she?  Are they a couple, or are those two
 a couple, or are all four of them a quadruple?  If the answers to
 these questions could upset or disturb you, best stay away.  If,
 however, the answers to these questions seem overly nosy and
 judgmental, you might have a real good time.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: When you look at this person, does every
 sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly
 vanilla?  If so, the congratulations -- you have found a faerie.

14.  HIGH EPISCOPAGAN.

     Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a lighting
 director, an orchestra and last three hours?  It's a High
 Episcopagan!  It can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, it
 has more ritual outfits than most people have socks, it considers
 its main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland, and
 Busby Berkeley.

 DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes (or
 five megs of hard drive space).  Knows every note of "Carmina
 Burana."  Better not ask about that 18th century seed pearl trim on
 their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.

15.  FUNDAMENTAPAGAN.

     If it's in a book, it must be true.  If it's in an old book, it
 must be _really_ true.  If it's in an old book that was supposedly
 handed down from oral transmission from people who couldn't read,
 then it must _really_ be _way_ true.  Has hissy fits if anyone
 shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical
 assistance.  Believes that anyone who has never sustained
 themselves from their own land, using only primitive agricultural
 methods, dare not call themselves a pagan.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Gnashes teeth when the old "Crowley ghosted
 Gardner's Books" argument comes up.  Goes around correcting
 everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.

16.  DANCES WITH BUNNYRABBITS.

     Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and
 feelings.  Charter member of PETA.  Thinks meat eaters should be
 publicly executed.  Has many, many pets.  Has a spirit animal.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many
 animals can you find in this picture?  if the count surpasses five
 (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and
 undies), you have found a Worshiper of Beasties.

17.  PRIESTS AND PRIESTESSES OF POLITIKAL KORRECTNESS.

     Analyzes everything they hear for
 sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without
 paying attention to what is actually being said.  Believes in
 personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing,
 dogmatic and holier-than-thou; not just the religious right.
 Incredibly boring and annoyingly righteous at the same time.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady, hyper alert little eyes are constantly
 in motion, waiting for someone to say or do something bad.
 Constantly has loud and attention-attracting fits when confronted
 with everyday things such as advertising and corporate franchises.
 Rudimentary sense of humor rarely activated.

18.  OUR LADY OF INTENSE SUFFERING.

     Is constantly persecuted.  You are probably persecuting her
 right now, you just don't realize it.  Became a pagan because she
 decided it was the most persecuted religion of all.  Can't enjoy
 anything because it would be selfish to have fun when so many are
 suffering.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe.  Even less of a sense of humor
 than #17.  Bristles whenever you use the words "masochism" or
 "whining."

19.  I AM NOT SPOCK (at the moment).

     Knows at least three filks about Cthulu and at least forty Star
 Trek jokes.  Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from
 stacks of science fiction paperbacks.  Can name ninety different
 kinds of space ship.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two-fisted drinking style.  many cryptic
 buttons, badges, patches and other insignia.  Too smart for their
 own good.

20.  HET-CASE.

     Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just think that
 paganism is about a god and a goddess and they do it, and what
 could be more simple than that, and it just doesn't work right if
 you try it any other way.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Signifiers of het-dom such as long, manicured
 nails and wreaths of flowers (on females _only_; the males have
 big, bushy beards instead).  Are secretly afraid gays and/or
 lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetero bones.

21.  NORSE CODE.

     Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with
 festival organizers due to their fondness for running around
 carrying a battle-axe in one hand and a full mead horn in the
 other.  They do throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you
 are expressly not invited.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look out for the large and foreboding persons
 wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.

22.  PENTACLES, INC.

     This is where all the people who are into paganism come, right?
 So how come they aren't buying my hand-forged Venus of Willendorf
 necklaces -- they come in silver or gold, and each one has a
 genuine cubic zirconium belly button.  Would you like a reading?
 Will that be Visa or Master Card?

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Business cards feature little embossed
 pentagrams.  Rarely leaves the dealer's room and can't believe
 there are so many jewelry sellers present.

23.  MONSTER TRUCK PAGAN.

     Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own
 clothes, homeschool their children and brew their own organic
 hooch.  Are looking forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world
 postulated by the environmentalists as they can't wait to run amok
 through the country, worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip
 malls and rutting on the divider line of every interstate.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Resourceful, clever and very well versed in
 the U. S. Constitution.  Eats meat with visible twitches of
 pleasure.  is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do
 with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns.