Scientology Crime Syndicate

16 Dec 2000

A Christmas fairy tale for a.r.s.
co@nvg.unit.no (Chris Owen)

Fellow enturbulators, I bring you a merry Christmas tale!


'Twas the night before Christmas, and not a creature was stirring. Save, that is, for one Helena Kobrin, Esq., who was having difficulty sleeping. See Helena stirring restlessly in her sleep as dreams (sorry: "mental image pictures") chase each other through her mind...


A box had arrived at the Celebrity Center in Los Angeles, addressed to Helena Kobrin. What could it be? She couldn't recall ordering anything. She opened the lid, and found a note sitting on top of a layer of tissue paper. She read it. "To Helena, from A Friend", it said. She frowned. What *was* this? She pulled the tissue paper out of the box and found, right at the bottom, a thick book. She lifted it onto her desk and opened it. On the very first page were the words:



Eyes widening, Helena read on, making notes as she went. It was sensational stuff! One entry in particular caught her attention.

"SATURDAY. Another great day of suppressing and enturbulating Scientology.

9 am: E-mailed the ARS Worldwide Headquarters in ********* to receive my mission for the day.

9.15 am: The ARS Central Committee had decided upon the following mission and promptly replied via the 24 hour-a-day answering service which we've set up:

"SUPPRESSIVE #585632: You are instructed to obtain the latest false data from Communo-Psychiatry Headquarters in **********, and write a false report to make it appear that psychiatry is not torturing and murdering thousands of innocent people. Victory to Psychiatry and the ARS Conspiracy!"

10 am: Armed with the false data (what an efficient conspiracy we are!) I started work. It took a couple of hours, but by the end of it I'd produced a highly convincing report. Well, convincing to non- Scientologists, that is; why are Scientologists so hard to fool? Maybe it's all that dumb 'tech' they're taught. It's a good job they're still a minority, though they're growing so fast it worries me at times. We'll have to get our government friends to move against them if it goes on like this.

12 pm: Lunch. Even we conspirators have to eat occasionally. I took particular pleasure in knowing that my pay cheque from the Conspiracy, money obtained from ripping people off and screwing up their minds, was going towards my food. Hahahahaha!

1 pm: Posted my false report to ARS. Contacted fellow conspirators to organise "spontaneous" replies. We should have quite a convincing thread going before long.

4 pm: Aha, the first responses are coming in. Let's see... eight fellow conspirators; only one Scientologist. That's good work. There are more conspirators on this newsgroup than there are Scientologists, so it's much more likely that we'll be believed. Ah... I do love the smell of frying clam!

7 pm: Dinner. Highly satisfying. I usually eat all sorts of things, such as peanuts, which the Scientologists regard as poisonous. That's pretty dumb, isn't it? Heck, the life expectancy of peanut-eaters is around 40, so that's not too bad, is it? As I'm in my 20s, I'm not worried; I've got years left in me!

8 pm: Logged on one last time to read ARS and check my e-mail. My false report seems to have got a good, wholly "spontaneous" response. Yet another nail in the coffin of Scientology! I also got a very satisfying e-mail from the Central Committee. They're very pleased with my work, and they're promoting me to SP4! That means an increase in my pay cheque, drawn against CAN's bank account as always. And we know who funds CAN, don't we? *giggle*

11 pm: Went to bed. A very good day. Once again, my use of fraud, corruption and conspiracy has enturbulated Scientology and scared people away from it. I can rest easy knowing that what psychiatry is *really* doing is that bit less likely to be revealed."


Helena stirred again and smiled in her sleep. This was great! With this document, she would win the forthcoming RICO suit hands down! She'd be more famous than Johnnie Cochrane and Marcia Clark put together! Best of all, Mr Miscavige wouldn't scream at her and call her a "f***ing incompetent" any more!

The first light of dawn broke through the window. She woke. It was Christmas morning. She rolled over drowsily, and started suddenly. There was a box next to her bed, no doubt left by Santa! She opened the lid, and found a note sitting on top of a layer of tissue paper. She read it. "To Helena, from A Friend", it said. With trembling hands, she tore away the tissue paper, only to find -

Yes, that's right. Tin after tin of rice and beans.


Merry Christmas, all!


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