21 Dec 2000

gs1100 <gs1100@my-deja.com>

A Brief History of Satireology in Clearwater

Compiled from records of the Clearwater Courthouse, files seized from Satireology by the Warren Commission, and archives of the St. Petersburg Times, the Tampa Tribune and the now-defunct Clearwater Swingers’ Guide. All of these records have mysteriously disappeared. But they were there last time I looked. Really.

Please note: the newspaper archives from which much of this data was complied were safely locked out of my reach at the time research was conducted.

1975
Satireology buys the decrepit Fort Haroldson Hotel in downtown Clearwater under an assumed name. Unfortunately, their use of the name “ Elvis Presley” immediately arouses suspicions.

1976
Before the press can reveal the purchaser's true identity, Satireology announces its presence in Clearwater. No one notices.

Satireologists release a "fact sheet" on Mayor Cazares and his wife, accusing them of all manner of business and personal crimes; try to discredit him with rumours pertaining to his sex life, and attempt to frame him in a hit-and-run accident. However, since another group had tried these things the week before, their attempts meet with widespread ridicule. Also, their slanderous flyers mis-spell the intended victim’s name, calling him “Mayor McCheese”. McDonald’s Restaurants sues, and wins 18 million dollars.

1977
The FBI raids church offices and seizes thousands of documents. Eleven high-ranking church officials -- including Elron Hubert’s wife, Portia -- are subsequently warned “ stop this nonsense and get real jobs.”.

The raids uncovered, among other things:

Satireology's Operation Seven Dwarves, a hopeless and deeply flawed plan to infiltrate various government and business offices and destroy negative or incriminating files pertaining to Satireology and/or its founder;

Operation Stayin’ Alive, a project to present the author of a book critical of Satireology as insane and discredit her by insinuating that she secretly liked the Bee Gees “disco” period;

Operation China Shop, a project to open a downtown Clearwater china shop;

Project Frequent Eyeliner, which was an attempt to increase the church’s legitimacy by forging an alliance with Jim and Tammy’s PTL Club ; and

Operation Unicycle, or Hubert’s Guardian Office Program Order 90125, which instructs Satireologists to"take control of the Clearwater Bus Terminal, and give tourists really bad directions."

1979
The church attempts to transfer all the assets of its California branch out of state to avoid a payment of a large legal judgement. Unfortunately, the courier assigned to transport the money stops in Vegas and blows the whole wad on craps and hookers. He is caught and jailed, but not before being voted " Vegas Gambler of the Year." The courier says " I'm very happy. And tired. Plus, it hurts when I pee. Can you get me a shot or something?"

1980-1982
Maria Conchita Noriega says that Elron Hubert , his wife, Portia, and the Clearwater church enslaved her for more than four years. " Not true," responds Hubert. " We just assumed that living in a damp, filthy basement room for days at a time was a lifestyle choice. And rice and beans are staples for these people. Plus, she's a shady character with a long list of library fines and late video rental returns to her name. She can't be trusted, other than with the daily care of all of our children for the last four years." The case eventually settles in 1986, with the defendants pleading "Nolo Contendre", which is Latin for " We did it but you can't prove it. " The church pays millions in " goodwill payments which prove nothing."

1982
The City Commission of Clearwater holds hearings about Satireology, concerned about complaints that the church was a cult. Over 5 people signed petitions in support of the hearings. The Satireologists sue to block the hearings and lose. Satireology lawyer J. Wilson Smear walks out of these meetings without presenting his church's side. He later claims to have just been going to the bathroom.

1983
Police raid more Satireology offices, this time in Nigeria, and discover a man named Bob Minton, rolling around in millions of dollars, screaming “ It’s mine! It’s mine! I stole it all from the Nigerian Government ! And you’ll never get me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!” Officials dismiss the man as some sort of wealthy eccentric.

1984
Clearwater passes an ordinance that officials said was designed to reduce fraud by any group claiming to be charitable. It meets strong resistance from Satireology; after an eleven-hour legal battle, the church finally gets sent to bed without supper. Plus no TV for a whole week. So there.

1985
Satireology lawyer Paul B. Jefferson is brought to trial in Orlando for allegedly bribing Hillsborough County commissioners to favor his client, Hubert Construction Company. Johnson is later defended by Corbin Bernsen. Court officials bar Bernsen from the courtroom, saying “ You’re not a real lawyer. You just play one on TV. Get out.” Jefferson defends himself instead, and is sentenced to the electric chair for aggravated contempt of court. The case is appealed, and the sentence reduced to “ sticking your tongue onto a 9-volt battery while chewing tinfoil.”

1986
Summer -- Satireology purchases an apartment complex to house staff members, serving the existing tenants notice to leave when their leases expire. The tenants all leave, but 8 million cockroaches sign a petition claiming unfair treatment. Their suit is settled out of court in a joint agreement with PCO and Johnson&Johnson.

September -- Satireology purchases the S.S. Minnow cruise ship and sails it away, leaving St. Petersburg's small port facility tenantless. The fearless crew is not heard of again for several years.

December -- More than 4 current and former Satireologists file a $1- billion class-action suit against the church alleging that the church tried to compromise or pay off two Florida judges and divert $100- million to foreign bank accounts.

The suit contends that church officials or their representatives committed fraud and breached fiduciary duties. It alleges further that information obtained from members during "mocking" (confessional-like, purportedly private church 'service' sessions costing thousands of dollars) is frequently sold to third-rate casino-circuit comedians without proper compensation.

The suit also alleges that in April of 1982, Duncan McCabbage (Chairman of the church's Religious Trickery Center) ordered the payment of $250,000 to "set up" and frame US District Judge Francis “ Fat Boy” McCurdy (of Clearwater) in a scheme to compromise his integrity with drugs and prostitutes. McCurdy has admitted to taking the drugs and hookers, but this seems to have had no effect on his career.

1987
During a libel lawsuit brought by the Church, lawyer J. Edmond Sharkey is cited repeatedly for badgering his own witnesses and ridiculing the judge. When warned that he risked a jail term for contempt, Sharkey responds,

" That's ridiculous. If that were the case you'd have to lock up half the lawyers in Florida."

The judge immediately agrees, and does just that. As a result, thousands of accused criminals receive competent representation.

In an article in the business section of the St. Petersburg Times on 1 July 1987, a Largo shredder dealer talks about his business.

"I've sold the Church of Satireology several shredders," said Becklund. "And at least once a week I’m over there extracting some idiot who’s accidentally shredded his tie. Oh, yeah. You’d think they’d eventually get a clue."

The Times reports that every year since 1982, Satireology has sought a tax exemption and Pinellas County property appraiser Ron Schultz has denied it. "The Church of Satireology ... was the first instance in my office where I found an institution calling itself a church that the courts agreed was a complete waste of everybody’s time." Schultz said.

A representative of CoS hand-delivers a letter to the St. Pete Times that threatens to sue the newspaper if it writes a story about the book Elron Hubert: What a Maroon! by Bent Double. The letter accuses the paper of intending to "attack and denigrate the Church through any vehicle you find available, including the 1978 Strato-Cruiser in your back parking lot." The letter, signed by Satireology lawyer Larsen E. Pettifogger, threatens action against the Times for libel, slander, conspiracy and violation of civil rights if it should "forward one of [Double's] lies." The letter concluded with "we know a lot more about your institution and motives than you think. Whoever you are.”

1988
The Church attempts to upgrade its standing in the community by sponsoring a number of charitable projects. However, Skateboards for Seniors, the Adopt-a-Croc program, and Literacy for the Blind are all abysmal failures. Likewise, the disastrous First Annual Running with Scissors Marathon generates million of dollars in personal-injury lawsuits.

1989
U.S. Magistrate Paul Game unseals the 1986 files, saying that they were sealed without following federal rules for closure that allow ten days for response. Plus, “ nobody cares what these idiots do. My releasing these documents cannot possibly do any more damage to their reputation than they’ve already done themselves.”

Tax case is filed in US District court in Tampa (IRS v.Church of Satireology Flag Service Org, Inc.), seeking financial records to determine if they've been involved in commercial operations which should be taxed. The inquiry concerns 1985, 1986, and 1987. The Court adjourns for lunch and to date has not resumed.

June -- Pinellas County tells the church that if it does not pay its tax bill for 1986, five of its twelve properties in downtown Clearwater will be auctioned to the highest bidders. The proprietors of the disputed hot dog carts move to Orlando instead.

July -- Satireology asks a federal judge to jail, fine and make Millie Winterfield repay an out-of-court settlement for talking to reporters and talk-show hosts. The settlement was supposed to lay to rest her charges against Satireology of fraud, breach of contract, false imprisonment, and practicing medicine without a license. Winterfield replied “ I can’t give it back. I spent it on a bus trip to Sarasota. My sister’s got a trailer there.”

She also discussed the secret Sarcastic Bastard upper training levels of Satireology, which are not discussed in any of Satireology's introductory "public" material. “ They’re hooey,” she said.

August -- More City Commission hearings on Satireology. Again, the church attempts to shut them down, but fails. In any case, no one shows up at the hearings except 19 Satireology lawyers and Pete the babbling lunatic from the East Street Mission.

October -- Secrecy order lifted in Satireology tax case. Indifference abounds.

The Supreme Court refuses to revive a copyright lawsuit over an unauthorized biography of Elron Hubert by Kitty Kelley; the justices let stand a decision throwing out allegations of copyright infringement against the publisher. “ It’s ridiculous,” said one judge. “ They’re claiming copyright on “ Black Adder.” When that show was being written, Hubert had been dead for over a year.”

1990

Satireologists sue Ranjit Singh Behar for tossing them out of his Kwiki- Mart store. Behar says “ If you want to read those magazines, then you have to buy them first!”

Satireology is in court with the county over unpaid back taxes, which Satireology refuses to pay. Clearwater's 1990 budget is $113.5-million, $17.1-million of which is raised through property taxes. January -- Cazares calls for a grand jury investigation of Satireology from the State's Attorney's office. State’s Attorney replies “ Yah. Riiiiiiight.”

February -- The IRS brings its long court battle with the Church of Satireology to federal court in Tampa. The IRS contends that the Clearwater organization may be involved in commerical activities that should be taxed. The federal court says “Is this necessary? They only owe $85.00.”

May -- The Clearwater Swingers’ Guide, one of the targets in Satireology's initial attack on the city, folds.

July -- Clearwater Chamber of Commerce president David Stone reacts to the church's announcement that they plan to build a Satireology museum downtown: "It’s not a museum. It’s one of those suitcases on legs, and it’s blocking the sidewalk.”

City Commissioner L. Regulski says, "I’m busy. Get an appointment like everyone else.”

August -- "Buffoonity Publications" beings to publish a weekly Satireology-oriented community newspaper to "fill the void" left by the departure of the Clearwater Swingers Guide. The new publication is called “ Hot Horny Babes Who Want YOU!”

1991
February -- A Federal judge upholds the City of Clearwater's ordinance requiring nonprofit organizations to report fundraising activity within city limits. Satireology appeals. Surprisingly, it wins, allowing the sale of stale candy bars outside liquor stores to continue unabated.

A bomb threat evacuates several hundred people from Ft. Haroldson Hotel; police report that the threat was phoned in to the Church of Satireology switchboard. After 40 minutes of Satireology staff searching the building, the occupants return without incident. Almost immediately, the building explodes, killing everyone inside.

May – Dog Grooming Quarterly magazine prints the issue in which Satireology makes Page 154: "Who Are These Idiots?” and Time-Warner is immediately sued. Time-Warner responds, “ We don’t publish that magazine. Go away.”

June -- Church of Satireology International President Homer " I'm not THAT Homer Simpson" Simpson, when asked about some of his organization's unpaid bills in the Clearwater area: "I left my wallet in my other pants."

October -- Deputy Sheriffs notice deplorable conditions while performing an anti-drug presentation for children at the Satireology Cadet Org school. “ We alerted the staff, but they all seemed giggly and extremely distracted. All the children were sent to area foster homes. To date, no one has inquired about them.”

1992
January - City officials begin inspecting Hades Gardens (a Clearwater apartment complex the church purchased to serve as staff berthing) after receiving reports that too many people are living there. Inspectors find 340 of around 200 apartments to be overcrowded. “ They were putting apartments in the apartments. They were describing closets as “bachelor apt. with door”.

Howard Buntz sues the church in Clearwater for failing to refund $68. The case is referred to “Judge Judy”.

April -- Satireology is again cited for overcrowding at Hades Gardens. This time the church described 800 of the 1200 people found inside as “visitors”.

1995
October - The head of security at the Clearwater church, Myron Fenderhoft, allegedly chases a former member through the streets, screaming death threats. He stops only when she ducks into a Kwiki- Mart and he is barred from following. Satireology Attorney Fred Willard explains that “ If I catch you I’ll rip your heart out and show it to you before you die in agony!” was meant as a "mild rebuke."

1996
March -- Internet critics from all over the United States come to Clearwater to protest the Church of Scientology's policies of harassment. The Church of Satireology, however, continues completely unnoticed, despite having their members stand in front of TV cameras and wave like idiots. “ The Clearwater press remarks “ Those people are idiots.”

(A more recent history of the church will be published after I consume a few more bottles of research.)

Thank You.

-- "All that is required for tyranny to triumph is for good men to do nothing".

GS1100, phD.(mail-order),BSc.(incomplete),PTS,SP1