Story 2: The day Jeff Patrick thought he met a 'Natural OT'

5 Nov 2001

The day Jeff Patrick thought he met a "Natural OT"

Well, it was an average day -- not too hot, not too cold, just right. Just right to do something no man could do, just us, Jeff Patrick and me, his new Pal and buddy on the EPF (Estates Project Force) as they call it in the CoS ("Church" of Scientology); or by me it would stand for the End of Personal Freedom (in the Cult of Scientology). But boy was Jeff Patrick surprised when he thought he met a natural OT (like that even exists), and later asked, "Why would a natural OT need the EPF? Don't OT's have supernatural powers?"

Well, by golly they did, if you were an idiot, or a little impressionable, that is. You see... it all started when the trash company did not come to get the garbage for some weeks. Boy, the VRU (Vehicle Repair Unit) or by me "Very Wrongfully Underpaid" reeked of a stench that would make you wish you did not have a nose. But as it was, Mister Jim Garrett, the Bosun (Head Honcho Slave Driver) decided to have some fun with us, and so he bellowed with his all commanding voice (for he had completed all the TR Courses with high marks), "You will conquer MEST!"

Imagine that!! We were going to conquer Matter, Energy, Space and Time!!! In one day!

What did we have to do???

It was simple: with our bare hands (no gloves), we simply had to pick up the bags of solid food waste that had been thrown outside of the dumpster because they did not fit. And put them inside of a new dumpster had just been delivered.

Sound easy? Well, these were 50 gallon black garbage bags of solid food waste. Only one problem -- we were in for a big surprise. You see, solid food changes its physical properties over 2 or 3 weeks time. So when Jeff Patrick and I grabbed the bags from underneath to lift them up and put them in the new dumpster that had just been delivered, our bare hands tore though the bags under the weight of the bags themselves, and the contents -- now SOLID MAGGOTS -- oozed through our fingers!! And the incredibly horrific sight and smell made Jeff Patrick vomit right then and there, on the spot (right on the bag we were trying to lift up!).

But not I, because *I* was in control! Well, in control of breathing through my nose, that is! So Jeff Patrick left in a hurry to clean himself up, leaving me alone to clean up the living mass of solid oozing maggots!

I searched around for a shovel, and worked a couple of hours until the dirty deed was complete. Later that same day, after Jeff Patrick returned, we were sent to pick up some trash in back of ASHO (American Saint Hill Organization, or by me "Another Stinkin' Horrible Organization").

As it happened, I was picking up some trash, which included an empty box of Marlboros, when the cellophane wrapper followed my right hand, floating off the box, without touching my hand, and it lifted off the box of Marlboros.

Jeff Patrick was amazed! He declared right then and there that I must be a Natural OT! How else could I withstand the solid mass of oozing maggots, and now elevate a cellophane wrapper off of a Marlboro box?!? Could it have been the static electricity that made the cellophane wrapper attract to my hand? Naaahh!! That wouldn't make sense! By golly!! I must be a Natural OT! There surely could be no scientific reason why or how this could happen.

But what was I supposed to do now? Jeff Patrick was surely going to die now, and get awfully sick with pneumonia, since I demonstrated my supernatural powers! Well, we quickly agreed, on his urging, not to tell anyone. Now what was I doing on the EPF, learning to conquer MEST -- the first step to becoming a Sea Org Member -- when I was already an Natural OT???

Apparently, being an OT does not mean you have conquered MEST. You have to do your EPF to do that!