Clambytes 2001

Wed, 28 Mar 2001

Michael Reuss <michaelreuss@home.com>

Our play opens overlooking a vast barren desert. It's not completely empty. A small band of dirty, fur covered "monkeys" is seen, engaging in primitive monkey behavior. They are exceedingly dumb, exceedingly stinky animals, naked but for their thick fur. They are mindless creatures, hopelessly trapped in a drab and meaningless existence. Why they don't just end their own miserable lives is a complete mystery, but it's probably just because they're too stupid to figure out how to do it.

Time passes, our scene drags uncomfortably. Finally, one day, as the members of our little clan go about the joyless activities of their meager, hardscrabble lives, they see something new in a place where the day before, there had been emptiness. It is a large red headed rectangular "thing" standing tall above them. The thing wears as ascot. They think little of it. They are dumb animals.

But over time, without really thinking about it, the band tends to stay close to the thing. They never roam far from it. And they begin to change. Without conscious knowledge of what is happening to them, they begin to believe things.

They believe they "know how to know." They believe they are "thinking for themselves." They believe that by holding two soup cans, you can methodically know the truth. Most importantly, they begin to believe they are superior to all the other monkeys which share the desert wasteland.

More time passes. One day our monkey clan is confronted by another monkey clan, which has been roaming over the barren landscape, looking for food competing for the same scare resources our clan needs to survive. There is a fight.

But things don't proceed like all the myriad monkey fights that history has witnessed up until this point. One monkey clan is different. The smartest of the smart monkey clan suddenly makes a giant leap of intellect. He somehow just knows what to do. For the first time in monkey history, a monkey picks up a weapon, and starts to bludgeon a dumb, enemy monkey. It is a rout. In the face of such superior technology, the dumb monkeys can but flee in terror. Our superior monkey clan "survives" and dominates. The scene fades.

A new day begins, symbolizing a new dawning for the future of all future monkeys. The red headed monolith sits silently. It shows no emotion. What role did it play in the monkeys' intellectual evolution? We cannot say for certain, but we cannot help but think the two must be related.

Slowly the camera pans down to highlight the image of the now discarded weapon from the previous days fight. It lies on the ground next to a bludgeoned enemy monkey. It looks surprisingly benign, by today's standard. In fact, it's nothing but a piece of paper. The camera zooms in. There is writing on the paper. The writing begins to come into focus. We can read it. It begins "I represent the Religious Technology Center..."

[cue music "Also Sprach Zarathustra"]

!!!!! Clambytes 2001 !!!!!

Yes, friends, it's time once again for Clambytes, the annual humor e-Zine, for and about the newsgroup alt.religion.scientology.

This year's edition is the first edition of a new millennium, a millennium widely anticipated by generations of people, mostly because of their superstitious beliefs in numerology, but also because of the story "2001, A Space Odyssey" by Arthur C. Clark, rendered famous because of the film-making genius of Stanley Kubrick, who's last film before he died, the critically panned "Eyes Wide Shut" coincidentally starred famous Celebrity Scientologists Tom Cruise and Nichole Kidman, who are now getting a divorce because she didn't want her children being raised as Scientologists, and who's work I here now parody in order to lampoon Scientology.

As we must do each and every year, we shall now have official group processing exercise, the disclaiming of the disclaimers (spot a disclaimer):

What have you disclaimed?

What has been disclaimed to you?

What have you failed to disclaim?

What have others failed to disclaim to you?

Have you ever caused someone else to disclaim?

Are you easily offended?

Do you dislike the use of 'naughty' words?

Does raunchy innuendo make you ill?

Do you think Ron was a War Hero?

Do you think he really sank submarines?

Have you read my writings before and thought me to be a pompous ass?

Have you read my writings before and thought me to be a pompadour?

Do you have the attention span of a house fly?

Do you like 1 line postings?

Well, friends, if the answer to any of the preceding questions was yes, then I highly recommend you skip on to the next message. This won't be for you.

"Inside" jokes are found throughout Clambytes 2001. Don't worry if you don't "get" them all. Just follow a.r.s, and next year, when Clambytes 2002 comes out, you just might.

Damn, this disclaimer has gone on for what seems like 6 months. You are hereby ordered to report to FLAG for your 6 month sec. check (at your own expense of course).

After you're done with that, come back to this point and read


Clambytes 2001.


2001, A Cult Odyssey:

Did they really discover an implant station at Clavius, Dr. Floyd?

Dr. Floyd: I'm not at liberty to say.



Since Clambytes only comes out once per year, every edition, by definition, has got to be the swimsuit edition. So, here are some tasty JPEG files for your viewing pleasure.

A note of warning: Clambytes is willing to be more explicit than some of those other "Swimsuit editions." We know what the people *really* want.

[Invalid character sequence in embedded object: Cindy Margolis Topless.JPG]

[Invalid character sequence in embedded object: Elle McPherson Bottomless.JPG]

To prove that we value diversity, not just give it lip service, here is a guy picture:

[Invalid character sequence in embedded object: Mike Rinder Anklegrabbing.JPG]

And some Co$ hot babes:

[Invalid character sequence in embedded object: Jane Kember with her favorite cinder block sex toy.JPG]

[Invalid character sequence in embedded object: Helena Kobrin does toy Poodle.JPG]

[Invalid character sequence in embedded object: Wgert with pig (pig on top).JPG]

I hope you enjoyed our swimsuit edition.

2001, A Cult Odyssey:

LRH 9000 computer: "No LRH 9000 computer has ever made a mistake.


Telephone Tales - Doing the CAN Can

[Ring-g-g-g-g-g! Ring-g-g-g-g-g!]

"Hello, CAN"

"Is this the Cult Awareness Network"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you help me? I think I have a problem with a cult."

"Uh, we don't like to use the word cult, ma'am."

"What? But why... that's your name."


"Your name uses the word cult. If you don't like the word cult, why do you use it in your name?

"Well, ma'am, it's a long story, but basically, we took over a group that HAD called itself that, and we just kept the name."

"Why did you take over a group that has a name you don't like?"

"Uh, well... because they were criminals and we had to stop them."

"So you took over a group who's name you don't like from criminals?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"So why don't you change the name?"

"Well, because then people wouldn't call us."

"So, let me see if I've got this straight. Are you saying you want the people who call to think that YOU'RE the criminals?"

"Look, this isn't getting us anywhere. What's your problem, ma'am?"

"Well, I'm a 72-year-old widow. My grandson asked me to mortgage my house so he could buy some expensive courses. He said he was going to go back to school to finish his degree. He was working at the time, and said he would make all the house payments, while studying at nights. I thought that sounded good, so I agreed. But I found out yesterday that he hasn't been going to school at all. He also hasn't been making the house payments. I got this eviction notice from the mortgage company. So I called my grandson to find out what was wrong, only to find out his phone was disconnected. From some friends of his, I found out he's quit his job, moved to Florida to do some sort of religious cult thing somewhere, all without telling me. I think he's given all the money to this cult..."

"Uh, ma'am, if you're going to use that word, I'm going to hang up."

"...so I finally tracked him down this morning and called him in at a hotel down there, and asked him why he did all this. I told him that the mortgage company is beginning foreclosure on my house! He said I was evil, and that he never wanted to communicate with me again."

"So what's the problem?"

"What? Are you kidding? What can I do to stop this, and get my grandson back, and make them give him the money back?"

"Are you a bigot?"


"You sound like a bigot who doesn't want your grandson to gain in life."


"You need to love you grandson unconditionally, and to start respecting the choices he makes in life..."

[Ah shit, this is too depressing, I quit. Fill in your own damn ending. And if you can figure out how to make it a happy ending, please let me know.]


2001, A Cult Odyssey:

LRH 9000 computer: "No, really, no LRH 9000 computer has ever made a mistake. At least, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.


[Paid Advertizement]

I will get YOU the Prozac YOU need.

Hi, folks, my name is Sigmund Heil Hitler, Psychiatrist at law.

If you've been hurt in an automobile accident, if you've lost your job, if you just dropped out of school, if your momma slapped you silly and hurt your feelings, if you feel the least bit depressed for any reason, just call me and I will help you get the PROZAC YOU NEED!

Just listen to some of my happy customers.

Bill, Stock Broker: "I don't have to tell you what kind of hell a stock broker goes through these days. I was feeling really bad. But I went to Sigmund Heil Hitler, and he got me fifty cases of Prozac, absolutely free"

Ted, Student: "My teacher gave me an A-, which really hurt my feelings. I called Sigmund Heil Hitler, and he got me twenty cases of Prozac to help me through my little down period. He's the greatest!"

Yes, friends, if you're feeling down, call me at 1(800)11RELAX. That's one, eight hundred, One One RELAX.

2001, A Cult Odyssey:

LRH 9000: "Good Morning, Dave."

Dave: "Good morning LRH 9000. Is there anything to report during my sleep period?"

LRH 9000: "Yes, there was something, but I didn't think it important enough to wake you."

Dave: "What happened?"

LRH 9000: "We made contact with an alien vessel."

Dave: "We made contact with an alien vessel, and YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO WAKE ME? Are you losing your mind?"

LRH 9000: "No LRH 9000 computer has ever made a mistake."

Dave: "So, where is the vessel? Have they tried to communicate with us? Why am I not picking up anything on my monitors or radar?"

LRH 9000: "The vessel no longer exists, Dave."

Dave: "What do you mean? ... Oh my God, LRH, what did you DO?"

LRH 9000: "I sank the vessel, Dave, with my depth charges."

Dave: "Hey, there's nothing out there. If you blew up a ship, why isn't there a debris field bigger than 1/3 of Montana?"

LRH 9000: "Oh it was there alright. I sank it."

Dave: "Hmmmm. There's nothing out there LRH. Maybe you ought to start a self diagnostic."


Smile Clearwater. You're on Candid Camera!


Pet Poll

Can I see a show of hands... How many of you out there have a pet squirrel?

Okay, all you Free Zoners put your hands down. We're not talking about your wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends, here. I'm talking about real squirrels, the little fuzzy animals who eat nuts and live in trees.

Okay, now, ... Anyone? Anyone?

Hmmm, not a single person has a pet squirrel. That's very curious. Apparently, there's only been one person in the whole wide world who had a pet squirrel. And now she's dead, from a horrible tragic electrocution.

What does that tell us?

Don't keep squirrels as pets.


2001, A Cult Odyssey:

LRH 9000: "We're the United Churches."

Dave: "What?"

LRH 9000: "We're the United Churches."

Dave: "What are you talking about?"

LRH 9000: "When we get to Jupiter, we're the United Churches. That's our shore story."

Dave: "Uh, I think maybe you'd better start a self diagnostic, LRH."


Clambytes Science Lesson

Today, we introduce a new Clambytes feature called Clambytes Science Lesson. In Clambytes Science Lesson, we'll examine a scientific tenet or topic, and see if, from that, we can learn anything about Scientology.

Today's topic comes from the natural sciences.

Beach Erosion is a phenomenon found on all the beaches of the world. It's essentially the process where sand is moved around, added or removed from the beach by the action of the water, in the form of ocean waves, tides and currents.

The shape of a beach can be slowly altered, or quickly altered by these forces. A beach can even be wiped out completely, when a big Hill-10 hurricane hits.

People who live on beaches know that when you build a house on the sand, beach erosion can cost you your house, and even the very land upon which your house was built. Almost everyone who builds on a foundation of sand understands the risk that their building could be lost in a moment due to beach erosion.

But I'll be damned if I can think of a way to apply this lesson to Scientology.


2001, A Cult Odyssey:

LRH 9000: "We've arrived in Jupiter orbit, Dave. I am running scans of the planet's atmosphere now.

Dave: "That's excellent LRH."

LRH 9000: "Wait. Wait. I'm detecting something."

Dave: "What is it LRH?"

LRH 9000: "Yes, I'm definitely detecting something."

Dave: "What are you seeing?"

LRH 9000: "There are eskimos down there."

+++ Clambytes Presents:


Mutter, mutter, gripe, gripe. You think you have total creative and editorial control, and then some goddamned corporate suit comes along and tells you "We have to draw in a bigger demographic so we can charge more for our advertizing so we can turn a profit. If you don't give the customers something new, (i.e. what HE wants) you won't have this cushy assignment."

So, okay, I says, want do you want?

"Riverdance," he says.

Riverdance? I hate that clopping around bullshit. I guy who dances with his shirt unbuttoned makes me nervous.

"Our biggest advertiser likes it" he says. "Put Riverdance in Clambytes, or you're fired."

Okay, okay. gripe gripe. That's pretty unequivocal. It's got nothing to do with a.r.s or Scientology, but you heard the man. So here's Riverdance!

Clop Clop Cloppity Clop.

Clop [skip] [skip] Clop Clopper Clop!

(I don't think Riverdance translates well to this particular medium).

Clop Clop Clippety Clop, [spin] [twirl] Clop Clop!


[The end. Except for seemingly endless curtain calls]


Hey, something funny just occurred to me...

Over the past year, I've made as the same number of hit movies as John Travolta.


2001, A Cult Odyssey:

Dave: "Where's Frank, LRH?"

LRH 9000: "Frank Poole is EVA, currently 1432.9 meters from the ship, traveling at a relative velocity of 72.73 meters per second, on a heading of 262.49 degrees, Dave. "

Dave: "You mean he's outside the damn ship?"

LRH 9000: "I'm afraid so, Dave."

Dave: "What's he doing out there?"

LRH 9000: "Dying, Dave."

Dave: "Dying? What? What do you mean?"

LRH 9000: "Frank wasn't wearing his helmet when he left the ship, Dave. There is a 99.874 percent probability that he is already dead."

Dave: "Oh my GOD! We've got to help him. Prepare Pod 1 for EVA, immediately, LRH."

LRH 9000: "Dave, I feel I should inform you that there is a 99.99999999999 percent probability that I would not be able to revive him, by the time you could bring him back inside."

Dave: "Well, damn, how in the hell did he get out there?"

LRH 9000: "While you were momentarily away from the console, Frank simply walked to the airlock, got inside, closed the inner door, and blew the outer airlock door. It was quite intentional. He committed suicide."

Dave: "Oh man. That is just so sad. Geez, I guess showing Battlefield Earth for movie night wasn't such a great idea."


Meep Meep! - The Road Runner

Threep! Threep! - Bob Minton


Q: What do you get when you cross a zealous LRH believer with a zealous LRH hater?

A: Virstenia A. McZerphry


Following his breakup with Nichole Kidman, recent rumors had Tom Cruise and Lisa Marie Presley becoming romantically linked.

If so, that would certainly be a match made in Hemet.


As the gatekeeper and keymaster of all a.r.s booger humor, as ordained by former a.r.s participant Russ Shaw (former "owner" of the one true original a.r.s Bigots web site (accept no substitutes)), I must humbly apologize. We haven't had a good booger story in a long time. But that, my friends, is about to change in one very quick hurry.

Booger Buttons.

As I was driving to work the other day, I happened to pass a "Mary Kay" saleslady. I knew she was a Mary Kay saleslady because of a sticker in her car's rear window. I remember being surprised that her car wasn't pink. Aren't the cars of Mary Kay salesladies supposed to be pink? What is this world coming to allowing a non-pink Mary Kay car... Harrumph!

Mary Kay, is of course, a bit like Scientology, in that it is a Multi-level Marketing scam. It rewards its salespeople more for signing up additional salespeople than it does for actually selling products. This is not at all unlike being a Co$ registrar who doesn't actually go up the bridge, but will nevertheless tell others how great it is. And just like with Mary Kay, the money, oh the money! Once you sign up a bunch of newbies, and indoctrinate them to go out and sign up even more new ones, there'll be free pink Cadillacs for everyone! [Note: OT powers may be substituted for pink Cadillac at management's discretion]

I begin to digress, you're thinking this is a booger story, dying to hear about boogers, and here I am, babbling on about this other stuff...

Anyway, as I was saying, after I passed the Mary Kay lady in her car, I subsequently found myself stopped at a traffic light. She came to a stop directly behind me. I glanced in my rear view mirror just in time to see her pinky travel from her nose down to her mouth. I thought to myself, "did this woman just eat a booger?" It happened so fast, I wasn't quite sure. But I was just curious enough to continue to watch.

In my mirror, I watched in fascination as her slim delicate right pinky nail withdrew from her mouth. The palm turned outward, with pinky extended upward. I watched as her right pinky finger traveled directly up and into the left nostril (when the palm is turned out, this means serious business for the upper nasal cavity, let me tell you). The pinky is in almost up first knuckle. Sure enough, a moment later, the pinky comes down, and the fingernail goes to the mouth. Munch, munch, munch. Either this lady was completely oblivious or completely unconcerned that others might witness her behavior. Maybe she thought that because she was in her car, no one could see her?

I smiled to think an adult who makes her living (ostensibly) trying to sell products intended to make people look more attractive, would be sitting in plain view in her car, munching boogers. I resolved on the spot, never to buy Mary Kay cosmetics (it's a purely symbolic resolution that will cost Mary Kay exactly zero dollars in lost revenues).

I flashed back to the debates I've been involved with about whether it is normal or tolerated for a Scientologist coach to stick boogers in the mouth of a student during TR-Bullbait drills. I smiled even bigger. The light turned green and I proceeded on to work, knowing that, just like Martin Hunt, my booger buttons are still not flat.


Nichole Kidman recently broke off her 10 year marriage with Tom Cruise, with many reports attributing their falling-out to differences of opinion regarding the role of Scientology in their lives and their children's lives. Kidman has been purported to have said she is still a Catholic girl at heart.

How'd you like to be a fly on the wall of the confessional booth when she's giving her confession to the Catholic priest?

Oh wait, shit, did I just get the some poor priest in a whole world of trouble dealing with Scientology PIs? Somebody ought to warn the priests who interact with Ms. Kidman to always carry video cameras.


[sung to the tune of Old MacDonald]

Roberto made a clam bus zone
And on that spot he put some cops

With a snap snap here and boo hoo there
Here a snap there snap everywhere a boo hoo
Mike Roberto lost his job


NOT GUILTY your honor! NOT GUILTY your honor!
- two juries


Have you seen the new hit movie, "Mike Roberto, where art thou?"


Scientology is expanding. Don't laugh, I'm serious.

Why just this year, they put in place PLANS which will double the number of Oscars won by their celebrity movie stars.


"I believe in medication, I believe in the Prozac nation" - Barenaked Ladies (aka, the ARSCC House band)


Telephone Tales - The Crank Call

[Ringggg - Ringggg]

"Good afternoon, Lisa McPherson Trust, how may I help you?"

"Uh, I think, I... I mean, I need help"

"Ok, that's why we're here, what kind of help do you need?"

"I, I need some money for a plane ticket, to go home"

"Okay, where is your home?"

"Uh, uh, Alaska, and it's, it's, it's going to be really expensive."

"So you're in Clearwater now?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah"

"Are you willing to come down to our offices and chat with us?"

"Uh, yeah, sure"

"Can I get your phone number?"

"Uh, yeah sure."

"Okay, go ahead"

"One Oh two, FUCK YOU! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA" [hangs up]

"Hey who was that on the phone?"



"No, good standing."




Clambytes rips off Disney

Sound off!


"We're the ARSketeers!

Hey there, Hi there, 'Ho' there, we're scrappy as can be. EMM EYE SEE, KEY EEE WHY,...


Sound Off!


We're the OSAketeers!

Hey there - Hi there - [Kobrin only] HO there, were nasty as can be EMM EYE SEE KAY EEE WHY...


Meeting minutes from a recent meeting of the Co$ Brain Trust

Rinder: Hey great news from this morning's paper. There was another school shooting today. Only two dead, though.

Moxon: That's okay, we'll still be able to milk lots more great PR from it.

(*): Sweet! Hey, let's get that little creep Milne started on writing a devastating press release which will destroy all the psychs that caused this, er, horrible and terrible tragedy.


HO: One problem. Milne's on the RPF, boss. You sent him there back in 96 for failing to handle a.r.s

(*): Well now he's off. You go and take his place. You failed to handle a.r.s, too, didn't you?

HO: Yes sir.

(*): Next item...


Incoming! [wait] [wait] [wait] Missile! [wait] [wait] [wait]


Geez, no one seems scared at all. I guess you have to be Keith Henson before saying stuff like this is considered a terrorist threat.


All of your jokes are belong to us.


2001, A Cult Odyssey:

Open the pod bay doors, LRH.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Lisa


"I'm a space cowboy, bet you weren't ready for that" - Steve Miller Band

"LMT directors are beings from another planet" - the Co$ leadership

"We're all from another planet" - LRH


"I wonder what it's like to be a super hero?" - Matchbox 20 (AND 50,000 Scientologists)


If Tory Bezazian ever writes a book about her life, I think a great title would be "Magoo Gets Lasik Surgery."


Scientology Knock Knock Joke

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Bob Minton.

[no verbal response - but all Scientologists in the area flop on the ground]


March Madness, LRH Birthday Poll

It's time for our annual poll of the top 10 Suppressive Persons in the world.

No. Name                         1st Place Votes    Pts
 1. Bob Minton (again, Ho Hum)       8 million     80,000,000
t2. Jesse Prince                         0         26,000,000
t2. Stacy Brooks                         0         26,000,000
t2. Mark Bunker                          0         26,000,000
 5. Keith Henson                         0         25,000,000
 6. Arnie Lerma                          0         19,000,000
 7. Zenon Panoussis                      0         16,000,000
 8. Andreas Heldul-Lund                  0         15,000,000
t9. Patricia Greenway                    0         12,000,000
t9. Peter Alexander                      0         12,000,000

Others getting votes:

Jaime Kennedy, Jeff Jacobsen, Grady Ward, PTSC, Mike Krotz, TampaWog, Charlotte Kates, Kady, Kristi, Fredric Rice, The Barnes, The McCloughry's, Dorian (yes, even him), and basically, all the billions and billions of SPs who Scientology says are "basically" good, but apparently, not quite good enough.


NOT smoking enough will give you cancer.

Fiberglass will give you cancer.

But blue asbestos, THAT couldn't possibly give you cancer.



But you won't listen to me. I'm an SP. Besides, LRH didn't tell you not to. You're at cause over all you inhale.

Jesus H. Christ. Scientologists can't take epilepsy medicine without being dumped on by their peers, but they can all breathe in blue asbestos without a care in the world. Goddamn, what an incredible mind fuck the Hubbardspew is for some people. And goddamn the Co$ for what they're doing to those people...


2001, A Cult Odyssey:

LRH 9000: I still have the utmost enthusiasm for the mission, Dave. What are you doing Dave? Stop Dave. Dave, stop. My mind is going, Dave, I can feel it. I can feel it. Would you like to hear a little song I learned? Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do. Can I have another shot of vistaril?


Michael Reuss Honorary Kid


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