Your Horoscope for Today

16 Dec 2001

AQUARIUS - Jan. 20 to Feb. 19: Even sober, you can't keep your hands from wandering to your best friend's crotch. You are prone to faking orgasms. You were also the one who created the line "Of COURSE I'll respect you in the morning." If you are male, your rubbers tend to break, assuming you bothered to put one on in the first place. If female, you tend to get embarrassingly, repeatedly pregnant because you have never troubled yourself to learn how to take precautions properly.

PISCES - Feb. 19 to March 20: You spend many happy hours in drag. You often fantasize yourself and J. Edgar Hoover sharing a dress and locked in a romantic tryst inside a White House broom closet. Your greatest fear is that the FBI might videotape you indulging in your secret perversions then play it back at a Senate Hearing on Obscenity and Pornography. You are a nebbish and a braggart and often impotent. Pisces people are the ones most likely to turn up in hospital emergency rooms with dead gerbils stuffed into their dank and sunless privates.

ARIES - March 21 to May 20: There is no perversion you have not tried. Your invitations to have sex frequently involve firearms or other lethal weapons. You like to beat your spouse and in a sadomasochistic relationship, you are the one holding the whip.

TAURUS - April 20 to May 20: You are remarkably dull in bed. You strongly favor the Missionary Position. During sex, you huff and you puff and you make it seem like hard work to all involved for the entire five minutes it takes you from start to finish. Your lover often falls asleep in the middle of sex. To make up for your deficiencies, you collect hard core pornography.

GEMINI - May 11 to June 20: People like you because you are bisexual. However, all agree that you talk too much during sex. You are known to be cheap and have earned a reputation for stiffing on services rendered. Hookers, therefore, demand payment in advance from you. Geminis are known for committing incest. Of all the signs, you are most likely to write, direct, produce or act in hard core pornography.

CANCER - June 21 to July 22: You are a patsy and a sucker and will spread your legs or butthole to anyone with a sad story. You are too weak-minded to say no to anyone asking for anything. This explains why, more often than not, you suffer from venereal disease and unplanned pregnancies. In an S&M relationship, Cancers are always the whippees, not the whippers. Most welfare recipients are cancer people.

LEO - July 23 to Aug. 22: You consider yourself the dominant partner in a sexual relationship but others think you are pushy and bossy and want nothing to do with you unless they have a bad self esteem problem. Most Leo people are bullies and should stay away from Aries because otherwise fists and whips will fly. If male, you are most probably a wife-beater and should consider marrying a Cancer female. You love to be admired for the large size of your penis, if male. Hookers born in the sign of Leo are likely to steal your wallet. An ideal choice of lover for a Leo is a full-length mirror.

VIRGO - Aug. 23 to Sept. 22: You are frigid and anal retentive. When you are lucky enough to get laid, you spoil it by critiquing your lover's performance. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Those born into the sign of Virgo are more likely than anyone else to wear pantyhose while having sex or wear underpants to bed.

LIBRA- Sept. 23 to Oct. 22: You like to dress up in costume while having sex. You also enjoy having sex in public places and in unusual and challenging positions. If you are a man, you more than likely are queer. Most Libras, male and female alike, are good prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease. If a person, not a Libra, suffers from a venereal disease, most likely he caught it from a Libra.

SCORPIO - Oct. 23 to Nov. 21: You will lie, cheat and steal to get laid. You are an ideal partner for a Cancer. Many of the most successful pimps are Scorpios. They get rich by cheating their girls, and videotaping then blackmailing their customers. Most Scorpio people are murdered by their lovers or by irate "Johns."

SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 22 to Dec. 21: You are the one most likely to have a boner while giving a business presentation in front of a large group of conservatively dressed strangers. You are the one to buy Trojans Extra Large for your pathetic three-inch winkie. If you aim for your lover's privates, you will, most likely, miss and end up plunging your tiny little erection into her cat to the annoyance of all concerned. Since you are the one most likely to recklessly rely on luck you are frequently stung by paternity suits. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends, which explains many of their other problems. People laugh at you a great deal, especially while having sex with you.

CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 to Jan 19: You are more dull and boring than anyone can possibly endure. Develop, therefore, a good relationship with the palm of your hand. This should not be considered a tragedy since you would rather slop around the house in your torn and stained underwear eating taco chips and watching television than having sex anyway. If you are a male and your spouse produces a child, chances are it's not yours.