Mr. Hutchinson Needs a Plumber
29 Nov 2000
To: Farrell Till <jftill@midwest.net
The Skeptical Review
[Please note: I will e-mail this letter to you, as well
as print it out and send it to you.]
First off, please accept my emphatic apology for my forgetting
to notify you that my address has temporarily changed.
In my eagerness to spend a few months working as a boat
Captain among the Hawaiian Islands, my mind, keen as it
is, was elsewhere. I see that my neglect has caused Skepticism
Inc. to squander nearly two dollars in postage: a slovenliness
to duty which would have had me soundly flogged in Nelson's
Navy, and is a crime on par with stealing Captain Bligh's
cheese or pilfering Captain Queeg's strawberries. To ward
off any hint of mutiny, inclosed is a check to cover the
cost.
Also, to my horror, I noticed that my subscription ended
with the V11N6 issue. Inclosed is a check for US$65 to
cover my subscription for the next ten years: when that
runs out, I'll renew for another ten. I hereby insist that
you live forever--- the only excuses I'll accept is the
advent of The Second Comming (of Jesus), or The Rapture:
in which case, I'll see you in Hell, where you can use
the excess cash to buy me a cold brew or two (I'm sure
we'll both need it).
This morning, duty compelled me to take on a delightful
task that only the most liberal of boat captain's would
refrain from ordering another to do: unclogging the crew's
toilet. During this process, I had a religious epiphany:
my mind spontaneously drew a parallel between the task
at hand (and arm--- I was up to my elbow), and trying to
get Mr. Hutchinson to see reason. Both tasks involved a
stubborn blockage: the former being a clog of waste matter,
the latter being a clog of biblical inerrancy. Both refuse
that final flush into ignoble perdition, though both be
equally deserving. Forcing a four-inch chuck of crap through
a three-inch pipe is much like forcing irrationality out
of Mr. Hutchinson's brain: it's a very messy, unpleasant,
smelly job, but when one finally succeeds, one gains heroic
stature and all who benefit will praise one's name. The
toilet clog eventually knew when to give up, and it went
the way all toilet clogs should: down the crapper; Hutchinson,
however, still clings tenaciously to his false belief---
which shows that a clog in the toilet has more sense than
Mr. Hutchinson.
There was a time when I treated Biblical Inerrantists more
politely--- Mr. Hutchinson has convinced me that it is
a waste of time, and all that is left is the humor value
of the issue. Ten years from now when my subscription runs
out, I hope Mr. Hutchinson will still be submitting articles
to TSR, undaunted by reason, sanity, critical thinking,
and common sense--- it's been quite entertaining!
David Rice
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From: David Rice <shydavid@ktb.net
Skepticism, Inc.
P.O. Box 717
Canton, Illinois
61520-0717
Motor Vessel Continuum Pleasure
Maui, Hawaii
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