Archive Message - 1995

Since some of the materials which describe the $cientology cult could be considered to be copywritten materials, I have censored myself and The Skeptic Tank by deleting any and all possible text files which describes the cult's hidden mythologies. I have elected to quote just a bit of the questionable text according to the "Fair Use" legal findings afforded to those who report. - Fredric L. Rice, The Skeptic Tank, 09/Sep/95 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- From!!!!sun4nl!xs4all!!not-for-mail Tue Jul 11 08:59:07 1995 Path:!!!!sun4nl!xs4all!!not-for-mail From: nobody@REPLAY.COM (Anonymous) Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology Subject: Big Suprise Date: 9 Jul 1995 21:50:41 +0200 Organization: RePLaY aND CoMPaNY UnLimited Lines: 182 Sender: Message-ID: <3tpbuh$> NNTP-Posting-Host: Content-Type: text Content-Length: 9771 XComm: Replay may or may not approve of the content of this posting XComm: Report misuse of this automated service to <postmaster@REPLAY.COM> On alien territory; 10 ways to spot Pod people Times of London Sunday, July 2, 1995 By Christa D'Souza John Redwood, above, is not the only extraterrestrial among us, it seems. Christa D'Souza, below, has 10 ways to spot Pod people. It was only a matter of time before an alien went for Britain's top political job. The former Welsh secretary, John "Vulcan" Redwood, has been waiting patiently, pod-like, in the wings. Now his time has come. It was a very otherworldly spectacle, the launch last week of his leadership campaign, his gargoyle-ish team of vote-snatchers behind him. As noted by Matthew Parris of The Times, the writer who started the whole Vulcan theme, Redwood was hardly alone in not quite resembling a human being. As individuals, they had been able to slip into the parliamentary crowd unnoticed. Now, as a group, the giveaway signs were all too apparent: in some cases, the slightly bulbous facial features or curious bodily proportions;in others, bizarrely inappropriate dress such as Tony Marlow's Molesworth-style striped blazer. That's the thing about aliens and don't for a moment think that they are confined to the world of politics; look closely, and you will discover them in all walks of life there is always a clue to their true extraterrestrial identity. Here are 10 sure-fire ways to spot an alien, with names of well-known people whose masks have slipped. One day soon you may need to know. For, as all the best sci-fi stories have long predicted, and the materialisation of the Redwood camp has finally made clear, we are most assuredly not alone... 1. FAILURE OF DRESS SENSE: Brian Harvey Back on Planet Pod, the ETs have endless training in earth-wear. It is less easy once you beam down. Fashion moves fast, and one garment can look confusingly similar to another: at the Redwood press conference, for example, the MP Tony Marlow had evidently called up on his memory banks the need for pinstripes but, short-circuiting perhaps in the sudden hot weather, had donned by mistake a boating blazer. There are many aliens in the world of pop music, finding easy camouflage in its characteristically exotic clothing. Even here, some do not manage to integrate. Take East 17: they aimed, plausibly enough, for the baggy-trousered south Bronx rapper image. Just a bit too baggy, however, to the extent that the band's legs look positively stumpy. And their singer, Brian Harvey, has a suspiciously glassy-eyed stare. (See 3, below.) 2. ODD BODILY PROPORTIONS: Nadja Auermann Often aliens will have one body part that is slightly off kilter, and which singles them out, albeit discreetly, from human beings. Prince Charles's ears are certainly cause for concern. There is a whole tribe of immaculately dressed, helmet-hairdo-ed female aliens with heads too big for their bodies and necks like flower stalks, whom you know, if you spied on them from behind the shrubbery at some unearthly hour, would have little keys in their backs. Nancy Reagan, for example. At the other end of the scale are the pin-head aliens, girls with heads too small for their bodies. Catherine Bailey may be one, for the modelling industry has always been a haven for the freakishly proportioned alien. The best known is Nadja Auermann (main picture), the 6ft-plus Austrian model with legs longer than the height of the average man. I wonder if the poor thing has actually found enough water for her planet yet? 3. STRANGE STARING EYES: Anna Wintour This is the most obvious giveaway, and the one that first led to the outing as an alien of John Redwood, with his piercing, greeny-blue stare. ETs tend to have intense eyes that, paradoxically, have no passion. Some cynics have cited Patrick Moore, doubtless misled by his expertise in astronomy. Just because you watch the heavens doesn't mean that you want to go home. More likely is the friend who perpetually wears sunglasses, even indoors, even at night-time, even at the risk of looking naff or stuck-up. The magazine industry and film business are their natural sanctuary. You may suggest the inscrutable editor of American Vogue, Anna Wintour, but I couldn't possibly comment. 4. FAILURE OF EMPATHY:Robert Kilroy-Silk The media business, and television in particular, is generously flecked with aliens. They feel at home with all those bits of flex protruding from their clothes, and with the need for a certain controlled demeanour. There is certainly more than one extraterrestrial newsreader the sports reporters at the end of news programmes also seem suspect. Human-interest chat shows, with their need for hosts to "relate" to individuals in the audience, are not a safe bet. Take the inhumanly good-looking Robert Kilroy-Silk, who, however enthusiastically he scales those studio stairs with his microphone, has an uncanny ability to look completely distanced from the poor souls whom he beards each weekday morning about their brutish husbands or the way they are discriminated against by airlines because they can't fit into the seat. Beware of the friend who is making a career in television presenting. Although it would seem that it by definition requires that very human quality, empathy, in fact the business seems hellbent on employing those who have exactly the opposite: zero rapport with their audience and looks so symmetrical they hardly seem real, for example, Anthea Turner. 5. NO SENSE OF HUMOUR: Kevin Costner This is probably the clearest indication that you are not dealing with an entirely human entity: somebody who systematically does not get your extremely funny jokes. A sense of humour is the thing even the most sophisticated alien cannot get its digits round. That is the most poignant thing about having come into the world as an alien. Hollywood is full of Pod people busily disguising their humour malfunction as a sort of luvvie self-regard. See Kevin Costner (nostalgically playing a web-fingered semi-amphibian in Waterworld), who recently failed to see how funny it was when he asked journalists wishing to interview him to first fill in a lengthy questionnaire. We have our doubts about Jeremy Irons. 6. BOUNDLESS ENERGY: Jeffrey Archer Redwood et al are the uber people of the planet, congenitally lacking in time-consuming human traits such as tiredness, heart disease, depression, temper tantrums or self-doubt. In fact, so ebulliently optimistic is the alien about life in general, his eyes shining even in his sleep, he can sometimes seem a little naive to mere mortals. Interestingly, aliens are much harder to spot in a place such as Los Angeles. The nearest an alien gets to depression is SAD (seasonal affective disorder), quickly remedied by sticking his or her head in the refrigerator for a few minutes. He certainly never gets tired, and generally only needs three or four hours a night to recharge, running round like a Duracell bunny on speed while everybody else catches flu and has hangovers. In that respect Margaret Thatcher almost qualified as an alien until she was caught crying in the back of the car on the day of her downfall. Aliens rust if they cry. Jeffrey Archer is far more worrying. 7. SHORT-CIRCUITS UNDER MILD PRESSURE: Stephen Fry At the beginning of the movie Blade Runner, the replicant was caught out during an intense human-empathy test. In real life, it is the silliest things that trip them up. But when they do trip up, they tend to short-circuit, like poor Daryl Hannah in the same film. The most obvious recent example is the footage of John Redwood singing in public. As he found himself joining in with the Welsh national anthem it immediately became apparent that this simple human task was not part of his internal software: his head went into spasm, his limbs and eyes twitched uncontrollably. One wonders about Salman Rushdie and his dancing; also about Stephen Fry and his sudden withdrawal from the scene after a London stage role that was hardly onerous, and who, of course, is mad about the Internet. (See 8.) 8. AFFINITY FOR ANYTHING ELECTRICAL: Bill Gates Aliens have a kind of unconditional love of technology, the way humans do for their parents. Not unrelatedly, they run themselves like clockwork and never use alarm clocks, waking up at 6.30am every morning, no matter what, like human Teasmades. One indication you are in the presence of an alien is a sudden cacophony of car alarms going off outside. Aliens often work in high-tech industries, where their unco-ordinated sartorial style raises no eyebrows, and they can indulge in their love of mechanical jargon. Examples include Bill Gates and Clive Sinclair. 9. THE SCIENTOLOGY CONNECTION: Nicole Kidman Aliens have always gravitated towards Scientology; it gives them a rationale for their sometimes slightly superhuman personae. Lisa Marie Jackson is a Scientologist, as is Nicole Kidman, recently described in Vanity Fair as "breathtakingly determined...she has pursued her career with the relentlessness of a heat-seeking missile". Kidman for whom, apparently, her husband Tom Cruise has to bake chocolate-chip cookies when she is filming, to keep her weight up decided she wanted to be famous when she was three. It is a wonder that Ms Kidman's British counterpart, Mrs Will Carling, is not also a Scientologist. 10. CATS LIKE THEM, DOGS DON'T: Martyn Lewis As in that scene in Terminator II when the impostor comes home pretending to be the loving husband, dogs always sense anything that is not quite right. If your dog's hackles start rising before your dinner guest has even rung the bell, be on your guard. Interestingly, cats bond with aliens. Interestingly, Redwood has two of them. Other cat-lovers include Martyn Lewis. (See 4, newsreaders.)


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