CALVIN: I decided I believe in astrology and horoscopes.

HOBBES: Really?

CALVIN: You bet. It only makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hudreds of millions of miles away. Look here. Today I'll have "Key policies implemented". I get to have my way!

HOBBES: Oh those mischievous planets.

CALVIN: The newspaper couldn't print it if it weren't true!

CALVIN: My horoscope says, "turnabout means circumstances in your favor. Assert views in confident manner. Lunar cycle high, many of your key policies will be implemented". Isn't it great? I'm fated to get my way! The heavens decree it!

HOBBES: So what are your "key policies"?

CALVIN: First, obviously, is "don't do homework". C'mon, let's go out and play!

[CALVIN & HOBBES playing outside]

HOBBES: Here comes youe mom and it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon.

CALVIN: Ha! Watch me assert my views in a confidential manner!

HOBBES [back at home with CALVIN doing his homework]: Your mom didn't care much about the lunar sanction of your no-homework policy, did she?

CALVIN: hmph! Well, my horoscope said "MANY key policies will be implemented". Not ALL of them. Besides, it says to expect a turnaround in my favor. Mom will relent next time for sure.

HOBBES: What are your other key policies then?

CALVIN: No baths, stay up late, don't go to school... THESE are the ones that will be implemented.

HOBBES: Maybe the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telecope...

CALVIN [looking out the window, pleading]: C'mon moon, do your stuff!

CALVIN'S MOM: I thought I told you to take your bath.

CALVIN: Sorry, mom. You have no say in this.

MOM: You're in for a surprise, buster.

CALVIN: Circumstances are going to turn in my favor! that's what my horoscope says! All human affairs are determined by stars and planets, and today they say my key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime!

[Next panel, CALVIN In the bath]: By golly, it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe!

HOBBES: Faith just isn't what it used to be.

CALVIN: I don't understand it! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! My policies weren't implemented and circumstances didn't turn in my favor! Quite the opposite, in fact! What wen't wrong?! I thought this stuff was based on planets and stars! How could those be misread? What kind of science IS this?!

HOBBES: I'm sure any scientist would give you a categorical answer...

CALVIN: Maybe tommorow's horoscope will print a correction and apology.

CALVIN: Did today's horoscope print a retraction of yesterday's prediction?

HOBBES: No. There's just a new one for today.

CALVIN: What's it say?

HOBBES: Yours says, "Popularity zooms upward. New encounters pay big dividends."

CALVIN: Hmm, that's good.

HOBBES: Wait, it goes on. "Emphasize romance. Opposite sex finds you irresistible. Lucky day for love".


HOBBES: I bet *I* know what the big dividends are! woo woo woo!

[Calvin's MOM chases CALVIN all over the house, while his DAD watches with a bewildered expression]

CALVIN: Don't make me go to school! Please don't make me! Help!

CALVIN: Leggo! ow! stop! You don't understand! My horoscope says I'm irresistible to girls today! I'm too popular! I'm going to get big dividends! Augghhh!

CALVIN: What if Susie kisses me?! I don't want romance! I hate Susie! Call me in sick! Help!

MOM [to Calvin's DAD]: Dear, I got him! Grab his feet while I pry his fingers loose!


DAD [To himself]: I wonder what it would cost to rent a place in town...

[CALVIN and HOBBES outside, waiting for the schoolbus]:

CALVIN: Maybe today's horoscope won't come true. I don't WANT a lucky day for love!

HOBBES: "Opposite sex finds you irresistible". Hee hee hee!

CALVIN: I don't believe in astrology any more! It's all phony! Yeah, that's right!

HOBBES: Mooches smooches! Mm-mm! You yow!

CALVIN: Stop it! Yesterday's prediction didn't come true, so I'm sure today's won't either! I'm not worried!

HOBBES: When's the wedding?? Should I wear my spats??

CALVIN [fighting with HOBBES]: In a minute you'll be wearing a BODY CAST!

HOBBES: TRY it, lover boy! We'll see how you kiss the girls with a fat lip!

[Still fighting]

CALVIN: Take it back! I'm never getting married! Never!

HOBBES: Love 'em and leave 'em, eh? You rake!

CALVIN: That does it! I'm going to knock you into next week!

HOBBES: Wait! Wait! Susie's coming!

CALVIN [alarmed]: What? She is? AUGH! She IS! I've got to discourage romance!

HOBBES: You can't! Smoldering passion is your fate!

SUSIE: Gosh, Calvin, the dirt covering your features is a big improvement.

CALVIN [whispering to HOBBES]: Oh, no, it's TRUE! I'm a love magnet!

CALVIN: Stay away, Susie! I don't want any big dividends, got it? Don't listen to Hobbes!

SUSIE: What?

CALVIN: The stars and planets are doing this! I can't help it! My aura is uncontrollable!

SUSIE: What?

CALVIN: It's the bus! The bus is here! Wheee! I'm safe! You can't do anything now! Ha ha! I'm off to school! Hoorayy!

SUSIE: What?

SUSIE [to herself]: The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.

[After school, CALVIN & HOBBES at home]

HOBBES: So Susie didn't kiss you today?

CALVIN [Smiling]: Nope! In fact, after I put a worm in her hair, she knocked me down and kicked me in the shins!

HOBBES: That doesn't sound like zooming popularity.

CALVIN: Nope! My horoscope was completely wrong again! The planets obviously have no influence on me! What a relief to know my life isn't controlled by outside forces! I'm the master of my own destiny!

[Next panel, CALVIN in the bath again]:

HOBBES: ... to a point, of course.

CALVIN [angrily]: The paper should print MOM'S daily predictions. THOSE sure come true.


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