Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Did somebody say clam FAQ?!
------------------------ CLAM FAQ --------------------------
Warning! Top Secret Clam facts are about to be exposed. This may cause
jaw pain and extreme cases of uncontrolled laughter.
All over the internet, the latest question due to well known controversies
originating from alt.religion.scientology seems to be, "What is this
bit about clams?" "Why do people on ARS think this is funny?",
and the ever popular, "Can I be in on the joke?"
Well, here are some answers to all of this and more.
L. Ron Hubbard late in 1952 wrote a book called "What To Audit",
later renamed "The History Of Man". It is still sold by the
Church Of Scientology and this book contains many of the basic beliefs of
the Church Of Scientology. It is considered by many connosieurs of kook
literature as a true classic of kook nonsense and it is well worth looking
for this book in used books stores if you are indeed interested in a book
that proves that there isn't anything so stupid that people won't believe
in it if it's in a book.
L. Ron Hubbard in the introduction claimed it was "a cold blooded
look at your last 60 trillion years." How could this be wrong? He
also claimed his book finally proved the theory of evolution.
(Patience, we will get to them clams soon enough.)
This following excert of History Of Man is taken from the book Bare Faced
Messiah by Russell Miller, a fine book for the neophyte Scientologist
watcher and clam afficionado. Thanks also to Diane Richardson who
originally typed this excerpt up and posted it to ARS.
In a narrative style that wobbled uncertainly between schoolboy fiction
and a pseudo-scientific medical paper, Hubbard sought to explain the the
human body was occupied by both a thetan and a 'genetic entity', or GE,
a sort of low-grade soul located more or less in the centre of the body.
To underpin his new science, Hubbard created an entire cosmology, the
essence of which was that the true self of an individual was an immortal,
omniscient and ominpotent entity called a 'thetan'. In existence before
the beginning of time, thetans picked up and discarded millions of bodies
over trillions of years.
('The genetic entity apparently enters the protoplasm line some two days
or a week prior to conception. There is some evidence that the GE is
actually double, one entering on the sperm side...') The GE carried on
through the evolutionary line, 'usually on the same planet', whereas the
thetan only came to earth about 35,000 years ago to supervise the
development of caveman into homo sapiens. Thus the GE was once 'an
anthropoid in the deep forests of forgetten continents or a mollusc seeking
to survive on the shore of some lost sea'. The discovery of the GE (Hubbard
hailed every fanciful new idea as a 'discovery') 'makes it possible at last
to vindicate the theory of evolution proposed by Darwin'.
Much of the book was devoted to a re-working of evolution, starting with
'an atom, complete with electronic rings' after which came cosmic impact
producing a 'photon converter', the first single-cell creature, then
seaweed, jellyfish and the clam.
Look! Clams!
Many engrams, for example, could be traced back to clams. The clam's big
problem was that there was a conflict between the hinge that wanted to open
and the hinge that wanted to close. It was easy to restimulate the engram
caused by the defeat of the weaker hinge, Hubbard pronounced, by asking a
pre-clear to imagine a clam on a beach opening and closing its shell very
rapidly and at the same time making an opening and closing motion with
thumb and forefinger. This gesture, he said, would upset large numbers of
people.
'By the way,' he warned, 'your discussion of these incidents with the
uninitiated in Scientology can cause havoc. Should you describe the
"clam" to some one [sic], you may restimulate it in him to the
extent of causing severe jaw pain. Once such victim, after hearing about
a clam death, could not use his jaws for three days.'
Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Does your jaw ache, dear reader?
Clams! And people pay to be taught stuff like this from silly people who
believe stuff like this. And they claim it is science! And a religion!
Low level Scientologists are discouraged from reading this book and are
told it will all be explained later when they are ready to understand the
higher secrets of Scientology.
'Clam' is a phrase used on alt.religion.scientology to describe
scientologists who believe stuff like this and explains the rash of clam
jokes of alt.religion.scientology.
More secrets of Scientology:
After the clam became the 'Weeper' or the 'Boohoo', a mollusc that rolled
in the surf for half a million years, pumping sea water out of its shell
as it breathed, hence its name. Weepers had 'trillions of misadventures',
prominent among them the anxiety caused by trying to gulp air before being
swamped by the next wave. 'The inability of a pre-clear to cry,' Hubbard
explained, 'is partly a hang-up in the Weeper. He is about to be hit by
a wave, has his eyes full of sand or is frightened about opening his shell
because he may be hit.'
Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Progressing along the genetic time-track, evolution arrived at the sloth,
which 'had bad times falling out of trees', the ape and the famous Piltdown
Man, which was the cause of a multitude of engrams, ranging from obsessions
about biting to family problems. These could be traced back to the fact
that 'the Piltdown teeth were enormous and he was quite careless as to whom
and what he bit.' Indeed, so careless was the Piltdown Man, Hubbard
recorded, that he was sometimes guilty of 'eating one's wife and other
somewhat illogical activities.' (Unfortunately for Hubbard, just twelve
months after The History of Man was published, the supposed fossil remains
of primitive man found in gravel on Piltdown Common in the south of
England were exposed as a hoax. The Piltdown Man had never existed.
The History of Man drifted into pure science fiction when Hubbard came to
the point of explaining how thetans moved from body to body. Thetans
abandoned bodies earlier than GEs, it appeared. While the GE stayed around
to see the body through to death, thetans were obliged to report to a
between-lives 'implant station' where they were implanted with a variety
of control phases while waiting to pick up another body, sometimes in
competition with other disembodied thetans. Hubbard revealed that most
implant stations were on Mars, although women occasionally had to report
elsewhere in the solar system and there was a 'Martian implant station
somewhere in the Pyrenees'.
Well, there you have it. How can we deny the genius of L.Ron Hubbard?
The thoughtful and useful ideas he taught the world? He obvious deep
learning and careful judgement? The certain correctness and amazing
insights of the basic beliefs of Scientology?
More tartar sauce with your clams?
Poor Little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Further facts
about this criminal empire may be found at
Operation Clambake and FACTNet.
Subject: Question for oldtimers/clams are clams
From: wbarwell@Starbase.NeoSoft.COM (William Barwell)
Date: 12 Jun 1998 22:14:57 -0500
Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Bwahahahhahahahaha!
Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Poor Little Clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Pope Charles
SubGenius Pope Of Houston
Slack!
The views and opinions stated within this web page are those of the
author or authors which wrote them and may not reflect the views and
opinions of the ISP or account user which hosts the web page.
This web page (and The Skeptic Tank) is in no way connected with
nor part of the Scientology crime syndicate. To review the crime syndicate's
absurdly idiotic web pages, check out www.scientology.org or any one of the
many secret front groups the cult attempts to hide behind.
Return to The Skeptic Tank's main Index page.