Scientology Crime Syndicate
Note: Around June or July of 2003, the Scientology crime syndicate demanded that this coverage of the criminal enterprise's so-called "Xenu" bait-and-switch bunco fraud some how violated their syndicate's copyrights despite the fact that the exposure of their crimes conforms to U. S. Code Title 17 "Fair Use" dictates (which may be reviewed at http://www4.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.html) and also conforms to the dictates of U. S. Title 15, section 1125, subsection (c), (which can be reviewed at: http://www4.law.cornell.edu/uscode/15/1125.html).

Scientology criminals have never won any such claims in court thanks to the laws which exist in the United States which apply to news and public discussion -- more so when the exposures of these crimes are done in the public financial, health, and safety interest. The terrorist enterprise makes these unfounded claims to try to silence the truth about their extensive crimes, however, not to protect what's de-facto public domain anyway. The criminal enterprise's ringleaders follow their mad messiah's policy of threatening to sue those who inform the public about them to try to silence the truth about their crimes. In "Fair Use" extract, straight from the organized crime syndicate's ringleaders:

"The purpose of a lawsuit is to harass and discourage rather than to win.... Don't ever defend. Always attack. Find or manufacture enough threat against them to cause them to sue for peace. Originate a black PR campaign to destroy the person's repute and to discredit them so thoroughly they will be ostracized..."

"The law can be used very easily to harass, and enough harassment on somebody who is simply on the thin edge anyway, will knowing that he is not authorized, will generally be sufficient to cause his professional decease. If possible, of course, ruin him utterly." -- A Manual on the Dissemination of Material (1955) by L. Ron Hubbard.

Scientology's hatred of free speech and it's attacks against the Internet are extremely well known and you can find the history of the Scientology crime syndicate's assaults against free speech all over the Internet using Google

The information you're about to read below is information that the criminal enterprise doesn't want you to read. If people know what Scientology is really all about, they won't purchase the bait-and-switch bunco fraud. In this exposure we paraphrase the bunco frauds eventually sold to Scientology's victims, delving more deeply into the fraud than Time Magazine did in 1991 or Reader's Digest did in 1980.

The public domain court documents covering Scientology's bait-and-switch "OT3" frauds can be found in the Fishmann Affidavit available at http://www.spaink.net/fishman/ot3.html

As a special added treat, I've included Terrapin/Maletesta's most excellent movie version of what the Scientology crime syndicate's actual bait-and-switch frauds would look like on the big screen. Thanks, T and M!

From johnmiller@nym.alias.net Wed Oct 14 15:16:29 1998
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology,
Subject: OT III
From: John Miller < johnmiller@nym.alias.net>
Date: 14 Oct 1998 22:16:29 -0000



Section Three (OT3 or OT III as eventually sold to Scientology's victims)

A despotic alien from outerspace named Lord Xenu was the head of a "Galactic Federation" which had a population problem, according to L. Ron Hubbard, the Scientology crime syndicate's drug addicted creator.

Xenu collected large numbers of his citizens, froze them and then brought them to a planet the Galactic Federation called "Teegeeack" (which is called "Earth" by the domestic populace that now lives there.) Lord Xenu then chained these hapless victims to volcanoes in what the mad man called "Incident II" and then blew them to bits using fusion bombs.

Xenu then collected the fragments of these murdered Galactic citizens onto magnetic ribbons, transported them to what he calls "implant stations" (some of which are on the planet Mars) where they are in effect brainwashed by being shown movies and being blasted with various ray guns and whatnot to alter their memories.

These movies are responsible for humans creating and believing in gods, (that includes Christianity; so much for the claim that Scientology is some how compatible with Christianity) devils and angels. These movies also showed such things as helicopters and things spinning -- such as a dancer -- and other things that move fairly quickly such as trains. All together, Hubbard's heavy drug use motivated him to call these "implants" of his "R6."

When you see Christianity called an "R6 implant," then, by Scientologists or by its critics, you know that they're talking about these Body Thetan aliens being brainwashed to believe in gods which -- when attached to humans -- cause them to believe in gods. Thus Christianity and all the other theist religions are the result of "implant" brainwashing in Scientology of aliens and thus humans.

Eventually a group of "loyal officers" captured Xenu and placed him in a prison -- which is almost certainly now the Mojave Desert in California.

The fragments of these murdered citizens are invisible and attach themselves to humans, causing all of humanity's woes -- physical, emotional, and mental -- and it's these invisible murdered alien fragments called "Body Thetans" that Scientology eventually tells its customers they have to scrape off to solve their physical, mental, and emotional problems. In Hubbard's own words, "One has to clean them off" and that, of course, requires all the money you have, all you can borrow, and all you steal from others.

The criminal enterprise's ringleader L. Ron Hubbard claimed that he dreamed this bait-and-switch bunco fraud in December of 1967 during what must have been an extensive period of heavy drug and alcohol abuse, according to his son. Scientology doesn't inform their victims that this is what they're going to have to purchase until years of brainwashing and countless thousands of dollars have been spent with Scientology's freakishly bizarre "auditing" and other debilitative abuses.

This, then, is the massive "secret..." Or it was until the bait-and-switch bunco fraud started getting exposed in such magazines as Reader's Digest and Time Magazine. It used to be that the criminal enterprise denied that they eventually told their victims that what they're really doing with all their "auditing" "courses" are actually trying to "clean them off," according to Hubbard. Once the Internet came into widespread use in the world, of course, the truth about the fraud can no longer be denied.

For further information on the OT3 bait-and-switch fraud, do a Google search on the scam.

Copyright© Lisa McPhearson, 1995-1999. All rights reserved.
This PGP signature only certifies the sender and date of the message. It implies no approval from the administrators of http://nym.alias.net/. Date: Wed Oct 14 22:16:24 1998 GMT From: johnmiller@nym.alias.net

Version: 2.6.2



A special treat!

From: terrapin3345@hotmail.com (Terrapin)
Subject: Movie Script - OT3: A Very Space Opera
Date: 18 Aug 2003 00:00:40 -0700

Me and a friend sat down one day and thought, "How would OT3 be if it was a movie?" So, we did up a script for OT3: A Very Space Opera. Enjoy.

= Starts now =

OT3 : A Very Space Opera

-A Terrapin/Maletesta Joint-

A movie based on Scientology's OT3...

EXTERIOR: A Star Field

Text scrolls up from the bottom of the screen:

"It is a period of civil war. Loyal officers, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Federation.

During the battle, Officer spies managed to steal secret plans to the Federation's ultimate weapon, the R6 IMPLANT, a device with enough power to enslave millions of thetans.

Persued by the Federation's sinister agents, Elron races home aboard his starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save his people and restore freedom to the galaxy..."

INTERIOR: A corridor aboard the LOYAL OFFICER's ship

The corridor shakes as LOYAL OFFICERS run down the hallway. ELRON HUBBARD runs across the hallway as the LOYAL OFFICERS position themselves in front of a door.

The door begins to spark and eventually falls down, and evil Federation officers run in and massacre the LOYAL OFFICERS.

A large alien dressed in black enters. XENU walks to the LOYAL OFFICER COMMANDER and puts one hand around his throat, and holds him up into the air.

"Where are the plans for the R6 Implant?"

The LOYAL OFFICER COMMANDER shakes his head "no", and makes various choking noises.

EVIL OFFICER: "We searched the computer - there's no record of the R6 Implant in the logs."

XENU: "Find those plans! I want them NOW!"

XENU flicks his wrist, breaking the LOYAL OFFICER COMMANDER's neck. His dead body falls to the floor.s

INTERIOR: Escape Pods Bay Two. This is a hallway with several pod hatches.

ELRON is stepping into an escape pod. He closes the door and ejects it, sending it flying through space and toward the planet below.

EXTERIOR: A clip is shown of the escape pod ejecting from the ship, and spiralling into space.

INTERIOR: Aboard the Federation Starship

EVIL OFFICER: "Escape pod detected! Should I fire blasters?"

EVIL COMMANDER: "No, we're not detecting any intelligent life."

EVIL OFFICER: "The pod must have short-circuted."

INTERIOR: Inside the Escape Pod

ELRON is pressing buttons on a control panel, which is shorting out and sparking various panels and surfaces.

ELRON: AUghhhhhh!

COMPUTER VOICE: Automatic course checking off.

ELRON: This is terrible!

ELRON presses another button.

COMPUTER VOICE: Automatic retro-rocket firing is off.

ELRON slams his hand on a panel.

COMPUTER VOICE: EnterSlice [tm] Soft Landing Jets have been disabled.

ELRON: Noooooooooo!

EXTERIOR: On the surface of the Desert Planet

A man in his late teens (JAKE) is looking through macrobinoculars at the night sky. Two moons hang heavy in space. He notices a bright streak of fire burn across the horizon, far in the distance, at the end of the range of the macrobinoculars.

From behind him, he hears his UNCLE TED call him back into the house.

INTERIOR: Inside the house

UNCLE TED, AUNT MARIE, and JAKE are eating dinner.

JAKE: So, I thought I would submit my application to space flight school this year...

TED: You can't! The farming hasn't been completed yet. You must stay.

JAKE: That's what you say every year!

TED: We'll stop by and see if we can get some new 'droids tomorrow.

JAKE grudgingly eats dinner.

EXTERIOR: The Deep Desert

ELRON is stumbling across the dunes of the deep desert, wandering around and having no idea where he's going. He sees a troop of people walking in the distance.

ELRON: "HEY! HEY!!!!!!!!"

The Scavengers approach him...

EXTERIOR: Scavenger's Camp, the next day. The scavenger's camp consists of several make-shift huts, designed for quick demolishing and rebuilding. The Scavenger's primary transportation vessel, the Ford Excursion, sits on the outskirts of the Camp. Many droids, both old and new, are roaming around inside the Excursion, waiting to be sold.

A scavenger, UNCLE TED, and JAKE are standing outside the Excursion, negotiating with a Scavenger.

TED: What do you have for worker droids?

SCAVENGER: *mumbles something in an alien language* *presents him with a rusty bot*

TED: This is terribly rusty. Do you have anything else? *sees ELRON in the back* Is that for sale?

SCAVENGER: Yeah, but its intelligence circuits seem to be malfunctioning.

ELRON comes forward.

TED: Can I have him?


TED: How much?

SCAVENGER: We'll pay you 200 space credits.

TED: Shouldn't I be paying you?

SCAVENGER: No. Trust me.

The deal is completed and TED and JAKE walk away with ELRON.

ELRON: I'm not a bot.

JAKE: Shut up.

ELRON: What?

JAKE: Shut up.

ELRON grumbles.

INTERIOR: Inside JAKE's home.

ELRON: What's troubling you?

JAKE: My uncle won't let me get me go to space flight school.

ELRON: I know what will make you feel better. Sit upright.

JAKE sits upright.

Elron begins to poke Jake in various places.

ELRON: Feel my finger.

JAKE: I feel it.

ELRON: Feel my finger...

A few hours later...

ELRON: Feel my finger.

JAKE is sleeping, and snoring loudly.

ELRON: Excellent.

INTERIOR: Inside JAKE's home, the next day.

JAKE wakes up. He fell asleep in the chair.

JAKE: Huh?

ELRON: You fell asleep.

JAKE: Um, last thing I remember was you poking me.

ELRON: Yes. It's called a Touch Assist.

JAKE: No, you were definately poking me. Do a self-diagnostic.

ELRON: I'm not a bot.

JAKE: Fine, use the diagnostic program. Plug yourself in there.

JAKE points to a hole in a large mainframe.

ELRON says nothing, and does not move.

JAKE: We'll do it the hard way.

JAKE grabs ELRON's finger and jams it into a circular opening in a large computer.


ELRON reflexively pulls out his finger as he's jolted with a series of electric shocks. COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Subject analyzed appears to not possess any cybernetic intelligence circuit chip.

ELRON: See, I told you I wasn't a bot.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: ...or any organic intelligence.

JAKE: Now, I'm confused.

ELRON: Oh! Now I remember what I was supposed to do! I was supposed to find DAVE.


ELRON: Well, DAVE used to be a Loyal Officer, but he was exiled here when Xenu took over.

JAKE: Wow! And he lives on this crappy planet? That's amazing! Take me to him.


EXTERIOR: A rocky area in the desert

JAKE and ELRON travel in a hovercraft and speed up toward a large rock outcropping. They zip around the side to see a fairly well-built house. They leave it and enter the house.


DAVE is sitting in a chair.

DAVE: Hello. Who are you?

ELRON: I'm ELRON. This is JAKE. We've come a long distance to talk to you.

DAVE: Why's that?

ELRON: I have the plans to the R6 Implant.

DAVE is obviously worried and distressed after hearing the words "R6 Implant".

JAKE: What's that?

DAVE: The R6 Implant is the worst device ever concieved!

JAKE: We have to go disable it. Where is it?

ELRON: Oh, it's located somewhere in deep space. I don't know- all I know, is that we need to get to Gamma Iridi 8. The LOYAL OFFICERS there know of the location.

DAVE: We'll go immediately. But first JAKE, you must learn of the tech.

JAKE: What's the tech?

DAVE: The tech is an all-powerful force. It will allow you to expand your mind powerfully.

JAKE: How does it work?

DAVE: Don't ask how it works. Just accept it.


DAVE: The first thing you have to do is get out your wallet...

An hour later...

DAVE: Here. This is your father's E-Meter. This is the weapon of a tech auditor. Not as clumsy or as random as a lie detector. An elegant weapon, for a more civilized time. For over a thousand generations the tech auditors were the guardians of thetans and the tech in the galaxy. Before the Dark Times. Before Xenu.

JAKE takes the E-Meter, turns it on, examines it, and turns it off again.

DAVE: Now, we must get going. Time is of the essence.

EXTERIOR: Spaceport.

DAVE, ELRON, and JAKE arrive in their hovercraft to a spaceport. It is a large set of buildings and a big landing strip in the back, with a good deal of hangars on the side for ships to park. EVIL OFFICERS stop JAKE's hovercraft as they enter the main gates.

EVIL OFFICER: License and registration?

DAVE: You don't need to see his license.

EVIL OFFICER: I don't need to see his license.

DAVE: We can go on our way.

EVIL OFFICER: Go on your way.

The hovercraft pulls into a lot not too far from the gates.

JAKE: How did you do that?

DAVE: The Tech is strong. It's very easily absorbed by the weak-minded.


JAKE, ELRON, and DAVE leave the craft and enter a bar.

INTERIOR: The Spaceport Bar [tm]

Aliens of all shapes and sizes are drinking at the bar. SAM HOLO, a hot-shot space pilot, is negotiating with an angry creditor in a side booth.

GREEDY (In an alien language, but subtitled into English): You've waited too long on this one, HOLO. You should have paid up when you had the chance.

HOLO: Oh, come on... you know I'm good for it.

GREEDY: You know, they've put such a big price on your head, I don't know why I don't just kill you right here.

HOLO: Come on, tell the OSA that they'll have their money. I just need to do one more job.

HOLO begins to remove a blaster from his holster and point it at GREEDY under the table.

GREEDY: No more excuses, HOLO. I've been waiting for this for a long time.

GREEDY removes his blaster and points it at HOLO, over the table.

HOLO: I'll bet you have.

HOLO fires his blaster under the table, making toast of GREEDY. GREEDY's dead, smoking body collapses on the table. The aliens in the bar pause what they're doing and turn to look. After they've all had a glance, the music starts up again and the aliens resume drinking. HOLO gets up and walks around, looking for perspective customers. He notices DAVE, JAKE and ELRON who are sitting in a booth across the other side of the bar.

HOLO: Hello. You look like you might be in need of a space pilot.

HOLO sits down in the booth next to ELRON.

HOLO: I'm the pilot of the BICENTENNIAL EAGLE. Ever heard of it?

DAVE: Should I have?

HOLO: The BICENTENNIAL EAGLE is the fastest ship in the Galaxy. It can make 6.66 past light-speed.

DAVE: We'd like to avoid any Galactic entanglements.

HOLO: That'll cost extra.

DAVE: That's acceptable.

HOLO: What's the cargo?

DAVE: Two men, one invalid, no questions asked.

HOLO: It'll be 8,000 space credits.

JAKE: 8,000?! I could buy a ship for that!

HOLO: Yeah, kid, but who will fly it?

DAVE: Fine. We'll pay you 2,000 now and 8,000 when we reach Gamma Iridi 8.

HOLO: Sounds good. Cargo bay 5, whenever you're ready.

HOLO gets up, and hurries off to Cargo Bay 5.

HOLO (to himself): 10,000! This should be enough to pay off the Co$!

EXTERIOR: Outside the Bar.

DAVE, JAKE and ELRON walk outside in order to sell JAKE's hovercraft. They sell it for 2,000.

INTERIOR: Cargo Bay 5

HOLO is standing under the BICENTENNIAL EAGLE, as ship that looks remarkably like a DC-10 except for rocket engines and that it's much larger. He has a panel open and is fiddling with a control inside.

DAVE, JAKE and ELRON walk into the Cargo Bay and see HOLO. They approach the EAGLE.

HOLO: You guys ready to go?

JAKE: Yea-

JAKE is cut off as EVIL OFFICERS enter the Cargo Bay, blasters firing. Blaster shots miss the four, but some hit the EAGLE. They run up the hatch and into the EAGLE.


HOLO: OK, guys... hang on!

HOLO flips a switch and pulls on a bar. The EAGLE rockets out of the hangar, leaving the EVIL OFFICERS staring up at the sky.

HOLO: Well, looks like we escaped them. Time to make the jump to light speed.

HOLO puts in coordinates into the Navigational Computer and presses another button. The ship rockets into light speed, sending the desert planet far away.


A starfield is shown. A roaring noise could be heard, like massive engines firing, and a huge spaceship moves its way onto the screen. It is literally enormous, as big as a small moon. It's shaped like a sphere, with a large circle on its surface. In the circle is a holo-movie generator, used for the projection of movies onto creatures.

INTERIOR: R6 Implant Conference Room A

Eight GALACTIC ADMIRALS in full military regalia sit around a jet-black conference table. EVIL OFFICERS stand guard around the room. COMMANDER KHAN, a young, slimy-looking general, is speaking

KHAN: Until this space station is fully operational and the R6 Implant has passed beta stage, we are vulnerable. The loyal officers are too well-equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize.

The bitter ADMIRAL ZAPHOD twists nervously in his chair.

ZAPHOD: Dangerous to your starfleet, Commander, not to the R6 Implant!

KHAN: The loyal officers will continue to gain support in the Galactic Federation as long as...

Suddenly all heads turn as COMMANDER KHAN's speech is cut short and the GRAND MOFF KIRK, governor of the Galactic outland regions, enters. He is followed by his powerful ally, the Evil Lord, XENU. All of the generals stand and bow before the thin, evil-looking governor as he takes his place at the head of the table. The Evil Lord sits next to him.

KIRK: The Galactic Federation will no longer be of any concern to us. XENU tells me that he has shipped off all its citizens to Teegeeack to be dealt with. The last remnants of the Old Federation have been swept away.

KHAN: That's impossible! Science doesn't agree with it!

KIRK: Khaaaaaaaaaaan!!!! Sorry, lost my train of thought. Scientists will do what we ask them to do. The regional governors now have control of these citizens. Body thetans will keep the populace in line. Implanted body thetans.

KHAN: And what of the Rebellion? If the loyal officers have obtained a complete technical readout of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and go around it.

XENU: The plans you refer to will soon be back on our hands.

ZAPHOD: Any attempt at circumvention made by the loyal officers against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.

XENU: Don't be too proud of this psychological terror you've constructed. The ability to brainwash millions is insignificant next to the power of the tech.

ZAPHOD: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord XENU. Your sad devotion to that ancient "religion" has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the loyal offic...

Suddenly ZAPHOD chokes and gasps under XENU's spell.

XENU: I find your lack of valence disturbing.

KIRK: Enough of this! XENU, release him!

XENU: As you wish.

KIRK: This bickering is pointless. Lord XENU will provide us with the location of the loyal officers by the time this station is operational. We will then crush the Rebellion with One Swift Stroke.


Two EVIL OFFICERS open an electronic cell door and allow several Galactic Guards to enter. PRINCESS ZELDA, the captured LOYAL OFFICER commander, is sitting in the cell. Her face is filled with defiance, which slowly gives way to fear as the R6 implant is shown to her on the hands of Xenu.

Xenu: And now, your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden LOYAL OFFICERS' base.

The R6 Implant beta is shown: the Devil, angels, space opera, theaters, helicopters, a constant spinning, a spinning dancer, and trains. The door slides shut and the long cell block hallway appears peaceful. The muffled screams of the Loyal princess are barely heard.


Several Galactic Fighters approach the R6 Implant Space Station


XENU: Her resistance to the beta was considerable. It will be some time before she can be as brainwashed.

An EVIL OFFICER interrputs the meeting.

EVIL OFFICER: The finalization of the Implant is complete. All systems are operational. What course shall we set.

KIRK: Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuation.

XENU: What do you mean?

KIRK: I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station. (to soldier) Set your course for PRINCESS ZELDA's home planet of Gamma Iridi 8.

Evil Officers: With pleasure.


Gamma Iridi 8 looms behind the R6 Implant Space Station.


ADMIRAL ZAPHOD enters the quiet control room and bows before GOVERNOR KIRK, who stands before the huge wall screen displaying a small green planet.

ZAPHOD: We've entered the Gamma Iridi system.

XENU and two EVIL OFFICERS enter with Princess Zelda. Her hands are bound.

ZELDA: GOVERNOR KIRK, I should have expected to find XENU holding your leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

KIRK: Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life!

ZELDA: I'm surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself!

KIRK: PRINCESS ZELDA, before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this space station operational. No star system will dare oppose the Federation now.

ZELDA: The more you tighten your grip, KIRK, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.

KIRK: Not after we demonstrate the power of this station, my sweet. In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's brainwashing power... on your home planet of Gamma Iridi 8.

ZELDA: No! Gamma Iridi 8 is peaceful. We have no tech. You can't possibly...

KIRK: You would prefer another target? A techful target? Then name the system! I grow tired of asking this. So it'll be the last time. Where is the Rebel base?

ZELDA: Telaura 2. They're on Telaura 2.

KIRK: There. You see, Lord XENU, she can be reasonable. Continue with the operation. You may begin when ready.

ZELDA: What?

KIRK: You're far too trusting. Telaura 2 is half a universe away - far too remote to make an effective demonstration. But don't worry. We will deal with your Rebel friends soon enough.



XENU: Commence primary transmission.

A button is pressed which switches on the R6 implant. A hooded EVIL OFFICER reaches overhead and pulls a lever. Another lever is pulled, starting the transmission. XENU places a key into the control panel, followed by KIRK doing the same. They turn their respective keys, making a button open and light up. XENU presses this button. An immensely powerful beam of thetan energy emanates from within the broadcast area of the space station and converges into a single wide beam transmitted towards Gamma Iridi 8. The people of Gamma Iridi 8 begin babbling incoherently.


DAVE watches JAVE practice the E-Meter with two small, growing tomatoes. DAVE suddenly turns away and sits down. He falters, seems almost faint.

JAKE: Are you all right? What's wrong?

DAVE: I felt a great disturbance in the Tech...as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly implanted. I fear something terrible has happened.

DAVE rubs his forehead. He seems to drift into a trance. Then he fixes his gaze on JAKE.

DAVE: You'd better get on with your exercises.

SAM HOLO enters the room.

HOLO: Well, you can forget about your troubles with those Galactic slugs. I told you I'd outrun 'em.

JAKE is once again practicing with the E-Meter.

HOLO: Don't everyone thank me at once. Anyway, we should be at Gamma Iridi 8 about oh-three-hundred hours.

HOLO begins poking ELRON.

ELRON: Stop poking me, Sam.

HOLO: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just giving you a touch assist.

ELRON: Check your circuits.

HOLO: No, I won't. Because you don't pull people's arms out of their socket when you lose. I'm known to do that.

ELRON: I see your point.

HOLO continues poking ELRON. ELRON allows this. JAKE sits in the middle of the small hold area; he is frozen in place. A floating-needle E-Meter is sitting in front of him on the table. DAVE watches him from the corner, studying his movements. SAM watches with a big smile of smugness.

DAVE: Remember, an auditor can feel the Tech flowing through him.

JAKE: You mean it controls your actions?

DAVE: That, and your wallet! Now pay up.

JAKE takes out his wallet. DAVE picks through it and gets thousands of dollars.

DAVE: Now, continue auditing those tomatoes.

JAKE does as he's told. He begins asking questions to the tomatoes - red, juicy ripe Jersey tomatoes. They float towards one side, they float towards the other. The needle follows their movement. Suddenly, the tomatoes begin to take a life of their own and hit JAKE over the head, causing him to become sane for a moment. SAM lets loose with a burst of laughter.

HOLO: Hokey religions and ancient Wheatstone bridges are no match for a good lie detector at your side, kid.

ELRON: Hey, I resent that! The E-Meter is not a Wheatstone bridge! I invented it.


ELRON: Actually... I don't have any.

HOLO begins poking ELRON. ELRON allows this.

JAKE: You don't believe in the Tech, do you?

HOLO: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe that I can begin travelling through space with the all-powerful Tech. There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny.

DAVE smiles quietly.

HOLO: It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.

DAVE: I suggest you try it again, JAKEs.

DAVE places a large helmet on JAKE's head which covers his eyes.

DAVE: This time, let go of your conscious self and act on instinct.

LUKE: (laughing) With the blast shield down, I can't even see the needle. How am I supposed to audit?

DAVE: Give me your wallet.

JAKE takes out his wallet. DAVE picks through it and gets thousands of dollars.

DAVE: Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them.

SAM skeptically shakes his head as DAVE puts the probes into the tomatoes. The tomatoes shoot straight up into the sky, then drop like a rock. JAKE controls the E-Meter knobs around, missing the tomatoes' needle. The tomatoes hit him over the head. He lets out a painful yell and attempts to control their needle.

DAVE: Stretch out with your tech.

JAKE stands in one place, frozen. The tomatoes make a dive at JAKE and, incredibly, he managed to catch their needle. The tomatoes are now clear and they move to a floating needle.

DAVE: You see, you can do it.

HOLO: I call it luck.

DAVE: With the tech, there's no such thing as luck.

HOLO: Look, going good against tomatoes is one thing. Going good against humans? That's something else.

HOLO notices a small light flashing on the far side of the control panel.

HOLO: Looks like we're coming up on Gamma Iridi 8.

JAKE: You know, I did feel techful. I could almost see the tomatoes.

DAVE: That's good. You have taken your first step into the Bridge.

SAM begins poking ELRON. ELRON allows this.


HOLO: We need to open up hailing frequencies. Press the button on the wall there.

ELRON presses a button marked "SELF-DESTRUCT".


COMPUTER VOICE: 10... 9...



The noise in the cockpit is being transmitted to the planet.

HOLO: AUGH!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!


DAVE dives across the cockpit and slams into the Self-Destruct button.

COMPUTER VOICE: Self-Destruct Aborted.

HOLO begins to yell at ELRON.


COMMANDER DORITOS is standing in front of the primary speakers, eyes glazed and somewhat unresponsive. He hears lots of swearing and yelling come over the comm.

HOLO (voice over): AUGHGH!!



DAVE (vo): Er, uh, greetings Gamma Iridi 8! We'd like to speak with the LOYAL OFFICER high command.

DORITOS (into microphone): High command?

DAVE (vo): Yes.

DORITOS (into microphone): Well, ahh...


HOLO: I've been trying to make contact with every communications post that can read our frequency. They just babble incoherently.

JAKE: What can this be?

DAVE: I have no idea what could have done this. Maybe it was the R6.

Suddenly, a large red warning light ignites on the dash and begins to beep very loudly. HOLO turns his attention to the view of space.

EXTERIOR: Space, above the EAGLE

A Galactic Fighter can be seen speeding over the top of the EAGLE and out to space.


HOLO: It's a galactic fighter! I'm jamming its communications.

DAVE: How did a galactic fighter get so far out here?

JAKE: Maybe it was in a convoy and got lost.

HOLO: Well, however it got here, it won't be around long enough to tell anyone about us.

DAVE: That's a short-range fighter.

JAKE: Look! It's heading to that small moon.

JAKE points out the window at what appears to be a small moon in the distance. The EAGLE shakes, and a klaxon goes off in the cockpit.

HOLO: We're caught in a tractor beam!

The EAGLE slowly moves toward the R6 IMPLANT BETA STATION. It readily becomes apparent that it was not a small moon, but an extremely large base station. Several fighters can be seen patrolling the outer rim of the station.s

DAVE: That's no moon.

The EAGLE approaches the R6 IMPLANT BETA STATION, drawn in by the tractor beam. The EAGLE is pulled ever closer, until it is slid inside a landing bay.


The EAGLE is at rest inside the landing bay. EVIL OFFICERS pour out of adjacent doors and stand in front of the ship.

EVIL COMMANDER: I want this ship searched, every inch, top to bottom!

Several EVIL OFFICERS break off from the group and enter the EAGLE. They're carrying several scanning devices. After some time has passed, the EVIL OFFICERS leave the EAGLE to report their findings.

EVIL OFFICER: Sir, we've discovered no life signs. The log indicates that the crew jettisoned right after takeoff.

EVIL COMMANDER: Continue searching the ship. I want to make sure that it's clean.


Inside the EAGLE, a few plates on the floor of the corridor lift up. HOLO, JAKE, ELRON and DAVE were hiding under them.

HOLO: Man, I never thought I'd ever use these to hide people.

They hoist themselves out of the holes and walk to the end of the corridor. They see four EVIL OFFICERS standing guard.

HOLO: HEY! Can you give us some help out here?


The camera shows the OFFICERS responding to HOLO's call, and entering the EAGLE. Sounds of a struggle could be heard and soon, all is quiet. Four EVIL OFFICERS leave the EAGLE, which are really JAKE, ELRON, DAVE and HOLO. They walk quickly, but not run, toward a door at the side of the bay.


The disguised DAVE, ELRON, JAKE and HOLO open the door to a minor control center on board the R6 Implant Station. The door slides open, and an OFFICER is operating a control panel.

EVIL OFFICER: Hey! Who are y-

The OFFICER is shot by a blaster bolt from HOLO's rifle. The OFFICER is knocked down. HOLO shuts the door.

HOLO: OK, kid, what are we doing here?

JAKE: We need to stop the R6 Implant!

DAVE: Have your droid access the structural designs. There's a port on that wall over there.

Suddenly, JAKE jumps at ELRON, thrusting his finger into the access port.


The inserting of ELRON's finger into the access port causes a short circuit, and designs of the ship flashed on a computer screen overhead.

JAKE: What does that icon mean over there?

DAVE: That looks like a detention icon.

DAVE presses the icon.

DAVE: It appears there's a princess located in Cell Block C.

HOLO: A princess, eh? I'll bet she's rich...

JAKE: Me and HOLO can go get the princess!

HOLO: Woah, wait, kid. I'm not going to risk my life for some Princess. Now let's just find out how to shut this thing off and get out of here!

DAVE: We'll never get out with that tractor beam. I'll go disable it.

JAKE: Come on, SAM... she's a princess. That means she's wealthy. You could have anything you ever wanted, AND over 5,000 hours of Auditing...

HOLO: Alright, but you better be right about this.

DAVE: Excellent. I'll go disable the tractor beam, you go save the princess. We'll meet back at the Hangar.

ELRON: What should I do?

JAKE: Lock the door.

HOLO: And hope they don't have blasters.

JAKE, HOLO, and DAVE leave the MINOR CONTROL CENTER, shutting and locking the door behind them. ELRON looks visibly upset and sits back down at the console.


DAVE, JAKE and HOLO walk down a hallway in the R6 Implant Beta Station. DAVE breaks off and walks down a corridor. JAKE and HOLO approach an elevator and go up it.


HOLO and JAKE enter the Prison block.

EVIL OFFICER: Who are y-

HOLO and JAKE interrupt them by firing randomly about the room, occasionally hitting an EVIL OFFICER. Once all the EVIL OFFICERS were dead and the place was shot up, they ran to the PRINCESS' cell.

HOLO: Try that button over there.

JAKE hits an "UNLOCK" button and opens the door.

ZELDA: Aren't you a little short to be an EVIL OFFICER?


JAKE grabs ZELDA and HOLO and tells them to go into a trash chute. They enter the trash chute just as a group of heavily-armed EVIL OFFICERS enter the Prison Block.

INTERIOR: Tractor Beam Control Room

DAVE enters the TRACTOR BEAM CONTROL ROOM. It's a very architecturally complex room, built around a rotating core. DAVE begins to climb a ladder very slowly and very silently, toward the control panel up at the top of the room.


HOLO, JAKE and ZELDA land in a fetid pile of water and trash. Two chutes are in the room: "TRASH" and "HEAVY ETHICS". A large service door is in the corner. An extremely beaten-up TECHNICIAN drops from the "HEAVY ETHICS" chute.

The TECHNICIAN makes several moans and groans.

TECHNICIAN: Who are you? What are you doing here?

HOLO: I could ask you the very same thing.

ZELDA: Yeah, what are you doing here?

TECHNICIAN: Overboarding.


JAKE (over microphone): ELRON, can you open the door in this sector?

ELRON (over mic): Sure. Just give me a minute to find the proper control.


ELRON is seen pressing buttons. Various lights flash across his computer display.


The walls in the TRASH COMPRESSOR begin to close up. The TECHNICIAN begins to scream and runs to the center of the room.

JAKE: NO! Wrong button! Shut it off, shut it off!


ELRON slams his fists on the panel until the walls stop closing.


The TRASH COMPRESSOR service door opens and the walls stop moving. JAKE, HOLO and ZELDA hoist themselves out of the dingy water and through the doorway.

ELRON (on microphone): Follow that corridor to the left and then up the staircase, and you should be back near the hangar.


ELRON is sitting at the control panel. Just as he puts down his microphone, the lock on the door is picked and several EVIL OFFICERS enter the room.

ELRON: Umm... uh... They went that way!

ELRON points out the door and toward the Prison Block. The EVIL OFFICERS nod and run that way.

ELRON gives a sigh of relief.


Meanwhile, DAVE has reached the platform at the top of the TRACTOR CONTROL ROOM. This platform looks like a large catwalk, with a giant on/off switch at the end of the hall. DAVE approaches the switch and flips it to the "off" position. He then begins to climb down from the platform, in a big hurry.


ZELDA, HOLO and JAKE can be seen running down a corridor toward the hangar. Apparently, all the EVIL OFFICERS are investigating the Prison Block. Knowing that they won't be able to keep hidden for long, they see that they're on the level just above the hangar. They begin to walk toward a stairwell at the far side of a hallway.


A large service door opens at the end of the hangar that houses the EAGLE. DAVE walks out the door and stops, looking around. The hangar is empty except for the EAGLE. Just as DAVE steps forward, XENU walks from the same place DAVE came out of. DAVE walks back through the door to confront XENU.

XENU: DAVE. We meet again. Now the learner has become the auditor.

DAVE: Only an Auditor of evil, XENU.

DAVE and XENU pull out their E-Meters. They deftly throw the probes at each other, each probe clipping directly to the skin.

XENU: Prepare to die!

DAVE and XENU begin to fiddle rapidly with the dials on their E-Meters. XENU's needle peaks, and DAVE moves his to compensate.

DAVE: If you kill me, I'll only return stronger.

XENU and DAVE continue their E-Meter match, each one's arrow meeting the other's immediately. Obviously two auditors of near-equal power, they keep fighting furiously.

JAKE, ZELDA, and HOLO begin to come down the stairs. DAVE sees them, and stops controlling his E-Meter.

JAKE watches as XENU twists his dial and his arrow peaks. DAVE, instead of falling to the ground dead, simply disappears.


HOLO pulls out his blaster and shoots at a control panel on the side of the door. XENU is walking forward, but is stopped by the closing door. EVIL OFFICERS begin to filter out from various enterances. ZELDA, HOLO, and JAKE run toward the EAGLE. JAKE, however, does not enter and continues to blast EVIL OFFICERS. He hears in his mind:

DAVE (voice over): DAVE's not here, ma'an... er, I mean, RUN JAKE!

JAKE runs into the EAGLE, which promply takes off out of the HANGAR.


A starfield is shown. The EAGLE speeds toward TANTIVE IV, the hidden LOYAL OFFICER base. It can be seen entering the atmosphere and landing on a strip on the Northern Continent.


The LOYAL OFFICER ADMIRAL is standing at the head of the room, describing the situation.

ADMIRAL: Thanks to the plans to the R6 IMPLANT provided by ELRON, we have been able to analyze a weakness in the structure.

The ADMIRAL flicks a switch on a console. A 3d-image of the R6 IMPLANT station hovers above a holographic platform.

ADMIRAL: There's a weakness in the structure- here.

The ADMIRAL points.

ADMIRAL: The R6 IMPLANT is only defendable from a major attack. One pilot in a fighter can send a torpedo down an exaust chute. This will cause a chain reaction and destroy the implant.

LOYAL OFFICER: But that hole is so small.

JAKE: Oh, that's nothing. I used to hit squirrels that small back when I was on my home planet.

A large beeping can be heard.

ADMIRAL: It appears the R6 IMPLANT is on its way here. It will be within firing range in four hours. We need all men to their ships. May the tech be with you.

All the LOYAL OFFICERS disperse to their ships.


JAKE: SAM, will you be coming with us?

HOLO: No, I have the Co$ to pay back. I didn't enlist to fight in a war.

JAKE: We'll miss you.

HOLO: Yeah.

JAKE: Good luck.

HOLO begins to walk away, toward the EAGLE.

HOLO: May the tech be with you.

HOLO enters the EAGLE and flies it out of the hangar. JAKE enters his own fighter and begins to take off with the rest of the fleet.


LOYAL OFFICER FIGHTERS can be seen passing through space at a very high speed. They are approaching the R6 IMPLANT STATION. As soon as they get close, bolts from large laser turrets start to be fired at the ships. The ships easily manuever around them, as they were meant to hit large, destroyer class vessels. The ships break the first defensive perimeter and begin to cruise the surface, blowing up turrets.


XENU is standing at the front of the R6 CONTROL ROOM. ADMIRAL KIRK is coming down the hallway, looking visibly upset.

ADMIRAL KIRK: Lord XENU, the LOYAL OFFICERS have pierced our first defensive layer. Their ships are too small and manueverable to be hit by our beams.

XENU: Deploy the fighters.

XENU himself moves down the hallway, intent on flying a fighter himself. EXTERIOR: R6 IMPLANT STATION SURFACE

LOYAL OFFICER FIGHTERS cruise the surface. Suddenly, EVIL OFFICER FIGHTERS are launched and follow the L.O.F's. The LOFs handle them in groups, taking out one after another. The LOFs take heavy damage, however, and are reduced to a much smaller number of fighters.

A LOYAL OFFICER FIGHTER approaches the tunnel to fire his torpedoes.

He turns on his tracking sensors, and fires the shot...

The shot MISSES and the FIGHTER breaks away. The only fighter left in attack position is JAKE's FIGHTER. JAKE'S FIGHTER takes back up the trench, when two EOFs follow him. They begin to fire blasters, and JAKE can't shake them.

JAKE (over radio): I've got two on my tail, I can't shake them!

HOLO (over radio): Woohoo!

The EAGLE blasts out of nowhere and attacks the EOFs, destroying both of them. The EAGLE veers off and takes another EOF threatening a different LOF.

XENU and his two escort fighters now follow JAKE.

XENU (over radio): This one's mine.

The two ESCORT FIGHTERS fall behind. XENU begins to start up his targeting sensor, but JAKE weaves too sharply and XENU cannot get a lock-on.

XENU: The tech is strong with this one.

XENU fires blasters but they miss terribly.

JAKE is in his cockpit, approaching the vent. He has his auto-targeting computer enabled.

DAVE (voice over): JAKE, turn off your auto-targeter. Reach out with the tech.


JAKE flips it off.

TANTIVE IV COMMAND (voice over): JAKE, you've shut off your auto-targeter. Is everything OK?

JAKE: Everything is fine.

JAKE gets into range, fires...

And the torpedo hits!

JAKE veers away as the R6 IMPLANT explodes in a brilliant flash of light!

XENU's fighter is thrown far from the blast, but still intact. The explosion of the R6 Implant clears...


PRINCESS ZELDA is standing at the head of the main hall. HOLO, JAKE and ELRON approach ZELDA.

ZELDA: These three people are the guardians of our freedom.

ZELDA then commends them with awards.

The TITLE MUSIC begins to play, and the camera pans up and to a view of space...


Flashes on the screen.

Title music plays.

Credits roll.



Hope you guys liked it!

- Terrapin


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