Subject: Something Dangerously Wrong
I left Scientology the first time in 1990, when I realized that there
was "something dangerously wrong" with the Boston Org. At that time,
I assumed it was a local phenomenon, and that there must be an
undetected Suppressive Person high in the ranks of the Org.
I remember feeling extremely alone, and afraid to talk to others about
how I was feeling. In the ethics book, I had been shown many times
that talking to others about your desire to leave was a Crime. I had
been warned repeatedly that I could be Declared Suppressive, just for
communicating what I had to the ethics officer who was "trying to get
me out of lower conditions".
I tried to talk to my then-wife, Nitza about it, but she complained to
another staff member, and I was told not to enturbulate her, and in
effect told that my relationship with her was no longer MINE, but the
Church's. I actually ASKED for Security Checks, because I KNEW that
the only reason I could be having these thoughts was that I had overts
against the Church. The worst thing I could think of, however, was
having sex with my wife in the Church, furtively, a few times. Or the
crime of masturbation, which I was told was "out 2d", and
restimulative, to boot. Finally, the truth was, I had stolen about
$.75 from "the coffee fund" on a few separate occasions, in order to
be able to afford a slice of pizza at a local joint called Despina's,
on Mass Avenue. To me, this failure to "contact" any stronger overts
or withholds just showed how bad off I really was. Clearly, I was
"not-ising" the worse things in my memory. But I had some sense,
still. I reasoned that if the tech were so perfect, how come the
auditor couldn't "pull my withholds", and get me out of the condition
I was in? It never occurred to me that I simply HADN'T DONE ANYTHING
WRONG. Not for many years. I was no longer receiving pay, as my
condition assignment was continually in "lowers", which means between
confusion and liability. The answer, I was told, was to find out who
I really was. When I asked what this meant, I was asked if I had not
understood one of the words. I looked it over. "Find out who you
really are." Nope. I was fine on the words. I was asked to
demonstrate the concept. I could. I put one block on the table,
saying it represented the real me. Then I put a collection of other
small objects on top of and around this (paper clips, rubber bands...
a demo kit), and said they were false concepts of who I was. Then I
removed them all, and pointed to the block representing me, and said
that was who I really was. This passed. But I still didn't
understand how I was supposed to do that, outside of auditing. This
received a wink and a nod. That was when I "cognited" that a being
was in ENEMY, until he was audited to the point where he knew who he
really was. And I was led to believe that I did NOT know who I was
right then. Man was I confused.
This situation went on for months, until, through a combination of
food deprivation (no money), relationship stress, lower condition
assignments, and the utter FAILURE to find any more overts or
withholds to write up, I finally realized that something was seriously
and dangerously wrong with scientology, and with me, since I couldn't
perceive what it was that was wrong.
I told my wife then that I was leaving, that I couldn't take it any
longer. She was about two months pregnant with our first child, at
the time, and after weeks of my being away, she finally rejoined me.
But I was pretty much a shell of who I had been. I knew I was a
Suppressive Person. I knew that meant I was a criminal. I knew that
I was responsible for "denying my wife her bridge".
And for about eight years after that point, I continued to believe
that there was something seriously wrong with me, because I didn't
trust my perception that there was something wrong with Scientology.
Who the Hell was I to make such a claim? The problem is, Scientology
and Dianetics have very many strongly workable techniques to enhance a
persons abilities and perceptions. I continue to believe that to this
day, as I continue to get gain from auditing. Knowing that, and being
overwhelmed at the incredible potency of "The Tech", I was unable to
think clearly about some inconsistencies and problems.
These inconsistencies lie primarily in the Organizational philosophy,
called Admin Tech. Even a lot of the Admin Tech is very workable, and
intelligent in its design. The problem is, the people at the top of
the orgs (including Hubbard himself), have always ignored these
policies when it suited them to do so.
And now, the Auditors in the orgs, who are really the only defensible
reason for the orgs to exist, have learned to not look at the
inconsistencies in application. They are afraid of losing their
certificates, their social position, and maybe even their minds if
they voice objections too loudly or often. And so, these guys lose
their integrity, and become Sec Checkers, in the end. They may audit
some high paying pc's on regular scientology, sometimes, but the bulk
of their work on staff members seems to be in Sec Checking, which
keeps people aligned with "Command Intention". (By the way, this was
not the original purpose of Confessional style auditing!) Thus, they
end up selling their souls for the right to control the souls of
others. It is really sickening, and it is what is wrong with
Scientology.
That is why I ascribe to the Free Zone, these days. There is no Sea
Org, in the Free Zone. There is no "Command Intention". There is no
"Keeping Scientology Working". There is no "Ethics Officer". There
is only me and thee, working out the causes of the way we think, and
freeing each other from the traps we have been tricked into, including
the biggest, The Church of Scientology.
I had a session yesterday where I finally became free to look at the
works of others as being valid, despite them not being L. Ron Hubbard.
I had paid lipservice to this concept for many years, but in my heart
of hearts, still believed that only Ron had "everything covered". I
had even been enjoying works by others- but would end up not DOING
the things recommended, because I didn't feel safe, as these people
were not Ron.
And so, although I have been in the Free Zone now for years, I can
finally say that I am truely FREE of the Church of Scientology.
And I owe it all to ME, and THEE.
A.R.S., whether you know it or not, whether you intend it or not, you
are beneficial to scientologists. You will probably never succeed in
proving to anyone that scientology doesn't work (frighteningly enough,
it CERTAINLY works), and I would get off that kick, if you want to
really make impact. Your true function is as critics. That is what
Scientology lacks, on the inside, and why the Church is so insane.
They cannot criticize themselves. So go for it. Criticism makes room
for intelligence. Authoritarianism only makes room for authors.
thanks for reading
kgb
currently guest at
Workgroup for Fundamental Spiritual Research and Mental Training
http://www.sgmt.at
Further facts
about this criminal empire may be found at
Operation Clambake and FACTNet.
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From: Kevin G. Brady at Spiritual Research Workgroup <guests@sgmt.at>
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 04:37:53 GMT
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