Amusing Hate Rant from Mormon Missionaries

This will amuse both real Mormons and non-Mormons alike. I hope that after reading the hate these two Mormons snuck onto my door in the early morning hours, you won't judge these two Mormon missionaries too harshly. Anyone can be misinformed and perpetuate a mistaken notion when it supports their religious beliefs, I suppose, and anyone can honestly believe that the truth about their mistaken religious beliefs are "mocking," "hatred," or "bigotry."

Resentment at learning the truth about a deeply-held belief often will manifest itself in claims of hatred and bigotry. Mormon missionaries are no exception.

What Could Prompt Mormons To Act This Way?

Quite a few months ago two Mormon missionaries made the mistake of knocking on my door. Sadly, neither one of them would show me their magic underwear so after my request was denied, I lost interest in the two. Door-to-door deity salesmen are a dime a dozen and I've yet to encounter one who wasn't both truly insane and truly silly. Going door-to-door trying to sell invisible playmates just isn't something that sane, rational, thinking people do, after all, and when it is so easy to debunk a mistaken religious belief, door-to-door deity salesmen never fail to grow ever more silly as they attempt to defend the absurdity of their debunked notions.

These two cultists were a minor exception since they ended up rabidly screaming insane nonsense about horses -- a truly freakish, surrealistic turn of events utterly disconnected from what proceeded the ranting. They also ended their "discussion" with a threat which is also mirrored in the insane rant they snuck onto my door in the dead of night.

A Problem With Mythologies Being Literally Believed

The Mormon's book of mythologies aren't intended to be literally believed any more than the Christian book of mythologies is. As legend, myth, and metaphor, most people on Earth recognize such works as having value for the meanings of what they contain, not the literal claims being made. A "holy" book should be cherished by the religious rather than worshipped by them.

The Mormon book of mythology contains a great deal of myth about North America which just isn't in any way reflected in anthropological and archeological studies. There are mistakes in the mythologies which reflect the ignorance of the writers. That's to be expected.

One of the minor things which the Mormon's book of mythologies mistakenly states is that there were elephants in North America long before they were introduced by Europeans and the Spanish. Few people would seize upon such a mistake and try to pretend that elephants really were in North America at the time suggested. It's an honest mistake based upon the ignorance of the people who wrote the Mormon book of mythologies and should be understood as such.

When the two Mormon missionaries claimed that their gods wrote their mythologies, I pointed out the obvious mistake about elephants.

Woops! That really annoyed these two. Not only did the fat one turn red and apoplectic, both hopped off into the weeds and started ranting about horses, telling me that horses lived in North America long before they were reintroduced by the Spanish.

Perhaps Mormon missionaries don't know the difference between elephants and horses. I don't know. Perhaps it's because they both have four legs, four feet, tails, two ears, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, teeth, and hair that prompted the unfortunate mistake.

Eventually, after losing their undependable argument, these two started threatening my wife by claiming they were going to return when she was home alone. Sadly I made the mistake of telling them I was phoning the police and the two fled the neighborhood, disappearing quickly enough so that the police couldn't apprehend them.

That night, these two Mormons quietly snuck to my front door and set down an envelope containing hate mail -- which I'll get to in a moment. That hate mail was taken to the police department and inspected by the officer behind the counter.

What The Police Had To Say:

What's interesting is that the officer and I agreed completely: cultists -- in fact anybody, even the KKK -- have the right to practice free speech right up to the point where they start to violate other people's rights. Going door-to-door isn't a crime but vague threats against people's wives is.

Since these two weren't able to be apprehended, it was suggested that I try to stall them the next time they knocked on the door to give the police time to question them. I was to show the arresting officer the hate mail left on my door by these two sneaks so that there would be solid grounds for taking them in. (And, of course, I would have my audio tape of any new threats.)

Here is the text of these Mormon's freakish rant. A photocopy of the four post-its which these two wrote their hate rant on can be found at

An amusing artifact came from a review of this hate rant by someone who has studied graphology -- the study of discerning meaning, emotion, and personality traits from someone's handwriting. After I forwarded a copy of the hate rant to a graphologist, he informed me that the person who wrote it was deeply depressed.

The Text of the Freakish Rant:

Some of the handwriting had to be guessed at yet the poor spelling has been faithfully reproduced. What's interesting is the exhibition of hatred, anger, and resentment which culminates in a series of freakish threats involving these Mormon's invisible monsters.

I would like to add commentary after the cultists' text:

"Dear Educated Dumbass,

"We wanted to share these papers we got off the internet with you. We know that you are a very intelligent man, but please take a look at them. They have proved that horses were in the Americas before the Spanish came in the 1490's.

But then I hadn't claimed otherwise. It was the two Mormons who seized upon horses after I pointed out their mythology's mistake about elephants. Regardless, I learned about the evolution of horses along with about 150 class mates back in the late 1970's. It has long been known that horses evolved on North America, migrated North East, died out and were replaced by plains buffalo in North America, and then were re-introduced by the Spanish. The history and evolution of the modern equine has been known for centuries.

"As for your comment about elephants, all I can say is they were wrong about horses, they could be wrong about elephants.

Woops! It looks like someone did a little research, found out that his mythologies actually does claim that elephants were in North America, and is now eating crow. Forcing cultists to actually read their mythologies is step #1. Forcing them to face up to the fact that their mythologies are fraught with error is step #2.

I like the logical fallacies, though. "They were wrong..." Without exception cultists never mention anyone's name or any reference to back up their claims -- because they're lying. The history and evolution of the horse is the best well known history of any species. Nobody was "wrong about horses."

The second logical fallacy -- the belief that "they" were "wrong" about horses and so "could" be wrong about elephants -- is a sad, desperate belief adopted by a coward who can't admit his mythologies aren't supposed to be believed literally.

"The bottom line is that the spirit confirmed the truth of the Prophet Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon. If you humble yourself and read it with an open heart and mind, you will find it is the greatest testimony of the divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ the World has ever known.

In other words, forget the fact that my cult's mythologies are fraught with honest mistakes and wasn't written by gods as I had claimed. Focus upon these other claims that are equally mistaken instead.

"We apologize for the way we reacted to your hatred and ignorance. We did not react in a Christlike (sic) way. One of the hardest things for us to tolerate is bigotry, but we are learning to be temperant in all things.

Well, I suppose that's one way to avoid an embarrassing truth: pretend that those who force you to face up to the fact is some how easily dismissed as bigotry and hatred. The facts of the matter, however, aren't so easily dismissed. Elephants haven't suddenly appeared in the archeological and paleontological text books just because someone wants to pretend it's a conspiracy of bigotry and hatred.

"Sex (?) God (sic) will not be mocked! As for your mocking the sacredness of our Temple (sic) Garments, (sic) those words will stand against you at the Judgment (sic) Day. (Sic) You need to be humbled! Always remember this, GOD (sic) will HUMBLE (sic) You! (sic) When he does, and you are repentent, (sic) we would love to help you come unto (sic) Christ through Baptism (sic) into his Church. (sic)

And where would the cultists' debunked claims be without eventually having to launch freakishly occult threats against those who dare correct them? No real Mormon would utter such silly threats but then no real Mormon believes that elephants actually existed in North America before they were introduced by Europeans and the Spanish.

Another interesting aspect of this rant is the sarcastic claim to want to help me become as uneducated, illiterate, ignorant, superstitious, and as silly as he is. Now why would I want to become a Mormon when I can see what eventually happens to some followers' humanity and honesty?

"We know you are full of a lot of hate. Anytime (sic) you feel like taking your hate out on us again, Please (sic) give us a call. -- Goodday (sic) 852-0358

I haven't bothered to call yet I believe that's local to the 626 area code. It's enough, I believe, that I forced these two cultists to learn what their mythologies actually say and forced them to learn the fact that elephants weren't in North America when their mythologies claim they were.